Today, I woke up happy because I slept on my bed and for the past week, I really missed it. It’s almost been a week since I started my dorm life, and 2 nights of this week, I slept at my friends’ houses. Apparently, stupid as I usually and unintentionally am, I left my readings at the dorm, and to my surprise, our cable connection isn’t working, I had no internet this day (just now, I guess since I am able to post this), I had no plans and I didn’t leave the house. My parents left with Eli to go to church, (I had to stay home because of a few acads-related things I tried to accomplish) and my brother left to play basketball. I was alone. I am alone on Valentine’s and it doesn’t bother that much. What bothered me the most is that I didn’t have anything to do and it was boring. Well that was until I remembered I downloaded the whole first season of Bojack Horseman (it’s a Netflix original, and I must tell you, it’s a good series) so I watched every episode. By afternoon, I was done and satisfied. The series is cool: It’s a bit weird at first, ‘cause you don’t really get to watch a talking horse, or cat, or penguin, or sloth – or see them mingling with people, but after an episode or two, it’s not a new thing anymore. I loved it more when I had its end theme on my head and found out (by the 8th episode) that it was actually Grouplove that sang it.

I slept for a few hours, and woke up bored. I scanned the laptop for a few more videos that I hoped I had. I had my highschool and college videos, but I wanted to watch something else. Lucky me, I found My Girl. It’s an old film and I guess I downloaded it years ago ‘cause I had no idea it was here. So I watched it. Here I am still crying my eyes out HAHAHAHAHA I had too many feelings while watching it. As I said before, ever since my grandmother died nearly a year ago, I became very sensitive with death. I felt bad when people I, or my family, knew die. At 21, I lost thought of the reason why people have to be taken away – why they have to go and leave us and just be gone forever physically. I know how people always say that the people who die remain in our hearts, but that hasn’t comforted me for the longest time. I remember Sirius Black say, “The ones we love never really leave us,” then he died in the series and that was just a big heartbreak. Can’t trust the world. Point is, watching this film kind of made me feel uncomfortable (just because of the death part). As a whole, though, it was a wonderful film. I loved how it reminded me so much of my Dad, how much of a Daddy’s girl I am. It made me think, however, that I’ve been missing him so much recently. He’s been going out of town a lot for work. When we’re both home, we need to rest – he needs to rest most of time ‘cause work’s really tiring. We haven’t bonded a lot except for dinners out. I had to pause the movie ‘cause I started to cry. And this is exactly why I never thought of living away from home (i.e., dorm). I get home sick immediately. My parents always think of this as a joke, though, since I usually go out, but even when they don’t know, I’m just really happy when I get to spend time with them. My mom also got a new position and it’s been taking her to places recently, too. We don’t always see one another anymore. Or maybe I’m just taking this a bit too emotional since I am a very clingy person.

Going to back to the movie, I loved how it showed such a beautiful friendship between Veda (?) and Thomas J. I loved how they told each other everything and bullied each other at all times. I remembered my best friends (ew ano  ba) and it made me feel so good that I have them. From my high school sisters to my college bestfriends, my heart is just packed with love when I think of them. HAHAHAkadiri ano ba. But srsly, I’m really lucky to have the friends I have now. BUT THEN THOMAS J DIED AND I CRIED MY EYES OUT AND I DIDN’T STOP CRYING EVEN AFTER THE FILM ENDED. I hate to think of it, but what if it happens to me? I don’t really know if I can ever handle that. I hate it when people die. But I don’t really want to dwell on this. And being the person that I am, I’ll probably send messages to my best friends later. HAAAAAAY PREDICTABLE ME HAHAHAHAHA

As I tried to finally calm down, my grandmother (Mamung) texts me greeting me a happy valentine’s and asking us to pray for her brother, Papu Len, who died years ago because it’s his birthday. AND SO I STARTED CRYING AGAIN. Papu Len was there when I grew up. He lived with Mamung, so we always saw each other. He was single, and all his love, he gave to us. Being the first baby of the family, I can say that I’m lucky to have been given a bit more love than everyone else.  I miss him. And when I think of myself graduating soon, I always pray that he’s proud of me. I miss him a lot. Everytime we go to the cemetery, I sit on the grass (which no one else in the family does) and talk to him. I tell him stories about school, about our family, about my friends, and sometimes even about my turtle. There are nights, too, when I suddenly think about him, and every grandparent I already lost. At 21, I still cry a lot. I’m such a crybaby and everyone knows that. I miss you Papu Len, and happy birthday.

At 21, I still haven’t got a full idea of how to handle death. But I guess that’s normal for an emotional crybaby like me.

Having all of the feelings I had today was really tiring. After feeling everything, all I wanted to do was lie down and cry. But I didn’t. I wrote this instead.

This is why I write. This site is an avenue of my emotions. I may not be as a great writer as most of my friends are, but this is my own thing. I may not be the kind that uses lots of kinds of words to write, but I just want everyone to understand me and everyone else. And although it’s a bit of myself, writing really does bring comfort.

I hope we all know our emotional avenues. So that none of us have to keep them inside and feel them rot as our sadness try to eat us alive.

And I guess I’ll say it here: I may not always tell you that you’re my bestfriend (kasi it’s such a cringeworthy thing to say) but know that I love doing my best to make you feel that, to let you know that you ARE my bestie, that I’m forever grateful for having you as an emotional outlet, that I swear to this world that you can trust me; and that I love you. You may not be the only one, but believe me, although I have a lot of friends, there are only a few of you that I completely trust; and if you feel like you’re one of them, you might not be wrong. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know that this is you. Cheers to the friends we love the most. ü