Monthly Archives: February 2016

Today, I woke up happy because I slept on my bed and for the past week, I really missed it. It’s almost been a week since I started my dorm life, and 2 nights of this week, I slept at my friends’ houses. Apparently, stupid as I usually and unintentionally am, I left my readings at the dorm, and to my surprise, our cable connection isn’t working, I had no internet this day (just now, I guess since I am able to post this), I had no plans and I didn’t leave the house. My parents left with Eli to go to church, (I had to stay home because of a few acads-related things I tried to accomplish) and my brother left to play basketball. I was alone. I am alone on Valentine’s and it doesn’t bother that much. What bothered me the most is that I didn’t have anything to do and it was boring. Well that was until I remembered I downloaded the whole first season of Bojack Horseman (it’s a Netflix original, and I must tell you, it’s a good series) so I watched every episode. By afternoon, I was done and satisfied. The series is cool: It’s a bit weird at first, ‘cause you don’t really get to watch a talking horse, or cat, or penguin, or sloth – or see them mingling with people, but after an episode or two, it’s not a new thing anymore. I loved it more when I had its end theme on my head and found out (by the 8th episode) that it was actually Grouplove that sang it.

I slept for a few hours, and woke up bored. I scanned the laptop for a few more videos that I hoped I had. I had my highschool and college videos, but I wanted to watch something else. Lucky me, I found My Girl. It’s an old film and I guess I downloaded it years ago ‘cause I had no idea it was here. So I watched it. Here I am still crying my eyes out HAHAHAHAHA I had too many feelings while watching it. As I said before, ever since my grandmother died nearly a year ago, I became very sensitive with death. I felt bad when people I, or my family, knew die. At 21, I lost thought of the reason why people have to be taken away – why they have to go and leave us and just be gone forever physically. I know how people always say that the people who die remain in our hearts, but that hasn’t comforted me for the longest time. I remember Sirius Black say, “The ones we love never really leave us,” then he died in the series and that was just a big heartbreak. Can’t trust the world. Point is, watching this film kind of made me feel uncomfortable (just because of the death part). As a whole, though, it was a wonderful film. I loved how it reminded me so much of my Dad, how much of a Daddy’s girl I am. It made me think, however, that I’ve been missing him so much recently. He’s been going out of town a lot for work. When we’re both home, we need to rest – he needs to rest most of time ‘cause work’s really tiring. We haven’t bonded a lot except for dinners out. I had to pause the movie ‘cause I started to cry. And this is exactly why I never thought of living away from home (i.e., dorm). I get home sick immediately. My parents always think of this as a joke, though, since I usually go out, but even when they don’t know, I’m just really happy when I get to spend time with them. My mom also got a new position and it’s been taking her to places recently, too. We don’t always see one another anymore. Or maybe I’m just taking this a bit too emotional since I am a very clingy person.

Going to back to the movie, I loved how it showed such a beautiful friendship between Veda (?) and Thomas J. I loved how they told each other everything and bullied each other at all times. I remembered my best friends (ew ano  ba) and it made me feel so good that I have them. From my high school sisters to my college bestfriends, my heart is just packed with love when I think of them. HAHAHAkadiri ano ba. But srsly, I’m really lucky to have the friends I have now. BUT THEN THOMAS J DIED AND I CRIED MY EYES OUT AND I DIDN’T STOP CRYING EVEN AFTER THE FILM ENDED. I hate to think of it, but what if it happens to me? I don’t really know if I can ever handle that. I hate it when people die. But I don’t really want to dwell on this. And being the person that I am, I’ll probably send messages to my best friends later. HAAAAAAY PREDICTABLE ME HAHAHAHAHA

As I tried to finally calm down, my grandmother (Mamung) texts me greeting me a happy valentine’s and asking us to pray for her brother, Papu Len, who died years ago because it’s his birthday. AND SO I STARTED CRYING AGAIN. Papu Len was there when I grew up. He lived with Mamung, so we always saw each other. He was single, and all his love, he gave to us. Being the first baby of the family, I can say that I’m lucky to have been given a bit more love than everyone else.  I miss him. And when I think of myself graduating soon, I always pray that he’s proud of me. I miss him a lot. Everytime we go to the cemetery, I sit on the grass (which no one else in the family does) and talk to him. I tell him stories about school, about our family, about my friends, and sometimes even about my turtle. There are nights, too, when I suddenly think about him, and every grandparent I already lost. At 21, I still cry a lot. I’m such a crybaby and everyone knows that. I miss you Papu Len, and happy birthday.

At 21, I still haven’t got a full idea of how to handle death. But I guess that’s normal for an emotional crybaby like me.

Having all of the feelings I had today was really tiring. After feeling everything, all I wanted to do was lie down and cry. But I didn’t. I wrote this instead.

This is why I write. This site is an avenue of my emotions. I may not be as a great writer as most of my friends are, but this is my own thing. I may not be the kind that uses lots of kinds of words to write, but I just want everyone to understand me and everyone else. And although it’s a bit of myself, writing really does bring comfort.

I hope we all know our emotional avenues. So that none of us have to keep them inside and feel them rot as our sadness try to eat us alive.

And I guess I’ll say it here: I may not always tell you that you’re my bestfriend (kasi it’s such a cringeworthy thing to say) but know that I love doing my best to make you feel that, to let you know that you ARE my bestie, that I’m forever grateful for having you as an emotional outlet, that I swear to this world that you can trust me; and that I love you. You may not be the only one, but believe me, although I have a lot of friends, there are only a few of you that I completely trust; and if you feel like you’re one of them, you might not be wrong. Thank you for knowing me well enough to know that this is you. Cheers to the friends we love the most. ü

Someone finally said it to my face: Bakit ang negative mo?

These past few days have been very heavy with annoyance, with negative feelings, and people I try to understand- and it’s been so long since I last felt this agitated.

Packing up the courage to spill my feelings out, I approached a close friend, (and I mean close, like this person literally knows all that I’m going through) and told him how I felt so bad this morning. I ranted for almost 5 minutes when he finally gave me a look that made me feel that I needed to stop, and he said, “Bakit ang negative mo?”

I was silenced, and he spoke again, “Napaka-negative nung mga sinasabi mo.”

I thought of everything I told him, then, and realized that I was indeed telling him all the negative feelings I had, without even trying to balance it with the many good things happening.

For days, I’ve been focusing, and lingering, on my negativity, thus feeding this creature inside me, making everything worse than they originally are.

Thank you, world, for giving me honest and straightforward (and mature) friends who understand me firstly, reprimanding and reminding me of what I’m doing wrong after.  The immature and childish person in me always gets a clear view after hearing different perspectives. So thank you for people who listen. Hehe.




Pasinaya 2016

For people who love all kinds, forms, and shapes of art, the Pasinaya Festival is one event that they never want to miss out on. Home based at the Cultural Center of the Philippines, the Pasinaya is an annual event that features different artists and various forms of art (film, theatre, dance, market, museums, etc) and stretches on the distance range from CCP to Intramuros. The festival is known as the largest multi-arts festival in the country – and seeing it first-hand proves it.

Although stretched a mile along common roads in Manila, I chose to visit its main venue: CCP. Upon arriving, you’d already find a lot of people outside (and “a lot” is an understatement). They were either having snacks, trying to buy food albeit having to wait on long lines inside restaurants and stalls, taking photos, or watching street performances (along P. Bukaneg St., as the street was closed for the event). Everything around me moved & made sounds. As I waited for my companion, I stood on a sidewalk along Bukaneg and in front of me were people lining up at food stalls; to my left were performers walking towards what seemed to be their entrance; my right was a sight of street performances (it was lunchtime when I arrived, and during that time the performances were presented by a group of people with “tambay” on their name); and behind me, I could hear instruments playing along with vocals to the tune of Freddie Aguilar’s Bayan Ko.

Given the view of the sea of people I tried to not get lost in, one would see Pasinaya 2016’s theme (“Family and Children”) coming to life as families walked together, with the eagerness of spending their Sunday by joining the hundreds of people (and more families) choosing to enjoy this year’s offer of various arts. (And unless you’re used to going to different places, it really isn’t advisable to go to Pasinaya alone: you’d miss on photo opportunities (as the only choice you have to have a photo of you and an artwork is to take a selfie), you wouldn’t enjoy being lost in the crowd, and you’d have no one to tell of how you feel seeing one thing or another (i.e: reaction to a film, the different exhibits, etc)).

Watching Pinagbuklod ng Talento Tambay (the aforementioned group I suddenly recalled the name), you’d see that their dances are very passionate- filled with emotions and love for what they do. While watching them perform, my friend arrived and we registered to get in. The festival had a suggested “donation,” (or starting price) valued at P20. We paid and got ourselves a schedule of the shows (and a “ticket” to be wrapped around our wrists), and went in, finally.

We went in line in front of Dream Theater, which was the line for 2 short films: “Ang Maangas, Ang Marikit, Ang Makata” and “Ang Kapitbahay Ko, 2014.” The theatre was small, only to accommodate probably about a hundred people just. The first short film shown was, and the story I loved among the two (so it’s what I choose to write about) is “Ang Kapitbahay Ko,” a project of UP Mass Communications students.

The film opens with two small girls, living in two different buildings, both on the 31st floor, windows facing each other – and this is how they (try to) communicate with each other. With a road separating them, the two play with each other in creative ways and one (and the first seen on the film) was with their hands. They’d mirror each other: the first girl moves and the other copies. The film goes on like this, revolving on the two girls, how they’d “meet” after school, play tic-tac-toe in the best way they can (by painting on the windows on different sight perspectives), be creative as they also had puppet shows to show each other, and look through each other’s innocence by using binoculars to see the other across the road and the windows in front of them. The film exposed such purity in the way the two girls treated and interacted with each other: they were literally “so close, yet so far.” One day, though, as one of them looked at the unit across through binoculars, she found balikbayan boxes all around the unusually clean room. Without hesitation, and by smartly (although risky) escaping from her yaya, the girl went down, crossed the street (this scene, albeit usual, was pretty scary as she was so young and it was so dangerous), and went up to the other building’s 31st floor, knocking on every unit on that floor as she tried to find where the other girl lived. Knocking on the last unit, she was about to walk away as she felt hopeless when the door opened and the two finally meet face to face. She introduces herself as Kela, and waits for the other to speak. To her mild surprise, however, the other girl made sign languages (might have spelled out her name), then asked an adult (who was probably her mother) for a writing board on which she wrote her name: Ana – and with this, the film ends.

The film was really touching because to have two kids show you the value of friendship is not a usual scene in the modern (film) industry. Their innocence at a young age gives one who watches a feeling of peace within, knowing that films like this, and kids like those casted, (still) exist to teach us the value of our relationship with other people.
An open-ending to ponder on, I’d like to think that after meeting, they two girls remain friends. Even if it seemed that Ana is moving to another house, having to leave their fresh memories of two units across one road, they keep in touch; and that it didn’t matter if Ana was disabled. Her inability to speak is not a hindrance for her to be friends with, and be a loving sister to, Kena.
And so it gives us another insight, one that we should have known for a long time, and keep in our minds: that people’s disabilities are not measurements of their ability and capacity to feel, to love, to enjoy life, and to be happy around people. They are as normal as we are, as caring as we are; they are all the things that we are, too. The friendship we create with them are as valuable as any other relationship we create with other people – perhaps more special, even. And in the case of Kena and Ana, their young bond will bloom into a more beautiful friendship as they grow old and find that there’s more to life that they can share with each other – no longer confined in separate rooms and parted by roads and windows, nor bounded by “sleeping time,” and different whiles.
Of all the things I saw and enjoyed at Pasinaya 2016, it was this film: a reminder of family values and friendships. ** So there was another film, (which I choose not to elaborate *hehe) and a lot more sights: there were folk dances, more exhibits stationed on different floors, workshops and other films (that we didn’t get to see and enjoy because of the long lines (and the theaters’ lack of seats)), and as we went out after watching a theatrical performance (the last we saw that day), there continued more dances: dances offered to Sto. Nino (still held along Bukaneg St.), and an although-usual-still-breath-taking dance performance by students from Perpetual University).
That ended our Pasinaya experience. It was fun, I must say, despite the sea of people that we had to crowd with and try to pass through to see more of what was in store for those who attended the festival. The Pasinaya Festival indeed showcases local art in the best way it can – at a cheap price and simultaneously. Wherever you went, you’d either see or hear something- art was everywhere and ceased only when you leave. As “bitin” as it sounds since there’s still this mile-long experience and different museums we could have seen and visited, the CCP experience was enough to prove to us that art is not dead in the country – that there’s still so much more to see and appreciate. ü