I remember taking Psych10 (Journey into the Self) during my first year in UP. There was one day when we had to be in one circle and each of us were asked what our worst fear was. I was in love when I was asked that question, but I guess the fact whether I was in love or not doesn’t really matter, because the answer never changed. My worst fear, until now, is change. It’s a lame thing to say, (and a lame thing to make a joke about – my friends literally got coins from their pockets and shoved them into my face since I was afraid of ‘change’) but it’s true. I grew up getting used to adjusting to different kinds of people, falling in love with their souls, their hearts, their stories. I loved treating them the same – giving them all the love I can give. But that’s what triggers the fear: making people important and being important to them. You start getting attached to them and then you start being afraid to lose them, and when something comes up and things have to change, you just lie beside yourself thinking and asking why all this has to happen. I don’t like changes. I don’t like it when people change. I don’t like it when I lose the people I met for the new them. I don’t like thinking that I might have done something wrong to contribute to this change.
My fear of change hasn’t faltered. It remains the same thing I’m afraid of. It remains the same thing that terrifies me. Albeit inevitable, I choose to avoid it. Just because I don’t like losing people.
Exactly why I haven’t been honest with my feelings for quite a long time now. I’m terrified that once you hear the truth that I never dared to speak out, things will change. And so you’ll never know. You’ll never confirm. You might think of it, but I’ll never tell you why or how or confirm its validity.
Or maybe I will.
Once my fear of changes runs down and stays away;
Or when I finally find the courage in me to tell you the truth and ask you what you fear the most.