2015: 12 months in one long post

THIS IS THE LONGEST POST I’VE EVER WRITTEN AND I WON’T BLAME YOU IF YOU GET BORED PERO JUST SO YOU KNOW 3 DAYS KO DIN TONG GINAWA AND IT MIGHT NOT AS WELL BE A POST BUT A BOOK HAHAHAjk should you (try to) read this til the end, WOW THANK YOU kasi that’d mean a lot, I guess hahahihi bye kids

Looking back at how 2015 went was funny: I thought it was the worst year ever (HAHAHAHA), but come to think of it, aside from a few misfortunes, it was a good year. It was a great year, actually. But being the kind of person that I am, it was a hell of a roller coaster. It was a year full of wavering, attempts to move on, plans that remained plans, risks, bad decisions, and about 3 or 4 severe emotional breakdowns. But okay, it was also a year of Harry Potter obsession, of good times with the family, meeting new people, falling in love with everyone I met, of photos printed and posted on my walls, learning to accept that it’s definitely okay to break down in front of your friends HAHAHA, and, basically a lot of good things.

 

On a side note, this will be written in a very Ysel-ish way. Mejo conyo, mejo bastos HAHAHA, mejo informal, mejo singko JOKE LANG HAHA bye

AND, this will include a few dialogues, quotes, lines that were told in real life BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE WRITING THEM DOWN and keeping them alive hehe

 

January was a month of animes and Japanese live dramas I gave time to watch. GUYS PLS WATCH 1) The Girl Who Leapt Though Time 2) Anohana 3) SOLANIN (JUSKO NADUROG PUSO KO DITO) 4) Koizora (NADUROG ULI PUSO KO DITO) and 5) I Give My First Love to you!!!!! I mean if you’re a cry-person, go, watch these and break your hearts.

 

“Lahat kasi friends mo kaya ka nafifriendzone” hahahaha ok

 

The one thing I’d probably never forget about February is the Ambassadress of Beauty photoshoot HAHAHAH OKAY MALIBAN SA HELLO ANG GANDA KO????… well no, wait. VERY YSEL ‘TONG SENTENCE NA ‘TO AH HAHAHA ok si what I mean to say is naaalala ko last year, I wasn’t able to open the email that Sigma Alpha Nu sent mo so I didn’t get to say yes. So this year, I got the same letter, made sure I read it, and said yes because HELLO TALKING IS MY THING HAHA. That Wednesday was so funny because my friends did not let me get away until they finished fixing my hair (and my face)!! Tas that day was so fun kasi I met new friends!!! Hi, Celine, Gayle, and Peng!!! (Syempre si Fats kilala ko na ❤ HAHA) and sobrang maalaga ng EAN as in w3w. Tsaka gets, the photos to be released had to resemble ME, so all I did was… guluhin yung buhay nila. HAHAjk magmaganda ganyan, tumawa, maginarte. So ayun, bow.

 

The next thing I loved about February was the day na nagtakas kami (Karl, Cesca, Ken) ng ice-gems (yung biscuits na may colored icing na mukhang Johnny Bravo hair) papasok ng library….. I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA TAS P90 SYA SO ANG LAKI NIYA TAS KAIN LANG KAMI NG KAIN SA LOOB NG LIB nang patakas and bye dapat di ko to sinasabi hahaha

 

February 12: UP Fair x Elements x Classic UPFair buddies!!!

 

Person on stage: Pinakamasakit, yung alam mong panalo ka na, pero ‘di ka tumaya

Jed: Si Ysel, tumaya. Di nanalo.

 

^ epal HAHAHAHAjk

 

Okay, so I spent the 14th crying my eyes and my heart out with Aki (my very, very sweet date!!!) kasi we watched That Thing Called Tadhana (hahaha, help).

 

February 20: May test kami sa Southeast Asia; 1st (major) breakdown of the year. HAHAHAHA KASI DI KO NAIINTINDIHAN YUNG INAARAL KO and andun na’ko sa point na hindi ko na alam kung ano bang gusto kong gawin sa life. Bakit ako nandito? Bakit di ko alam kung anong gusto ko? Ang lala ng iyak ko that night (kasi pang-gabi yung class haha).

 

February 24: Andun si Ate Pinky sa school TAS NAKAKALOKA KASI NAPEER PRESSURE AKO MAGPAHULA HAHAHA TAS NALOKA LANG AKO NANG MALALA KASI 1). May dalawang desisyon daw ako na pagsisisihan; 2). May (mga) lalaki raw na magiging dahilan bat di ako makakatapos kaagad HAHAHAHAHAHAHAWAITLANG; (there’s more but ok)

 

February 27: 2nd major breakdown of the year AHAHAHA kasi hindi ko naiintindihan bakit ko kelangan magmove-on (oKAY THIS IS MAKING ME CRINGE JUSKO HAHA) AND THIS NIGHT WAS UPM FIESTA!!!!! So, in memory of it, thank you sa mga nagsaboy ng coloring powder ba yun, at kay Bugayong sa pagbuhos sakin ng tubig!! Andami tuloy nagtanong bakit di daw ako nagnapkin HAHAHAHA (at ayaw akong isakay nung isang jeep, siguro kasi mukha akong aswang, haha)

 

March began Nanay’s stay in hospitals. First sa Orthpedic, then sa PGH. Peri kineri, kineri!!

 

March 12 PO AY NAGKITA KAMI NI RENZO (WOW THIS YEAR LANG PALA YUN) AT BINILHAN NYA KO NG CLIP SA HAIR TAS KILIG NA KILIG AKO HAHAHA BYE

 

March 20!!! Was Ambassadress of Beauty!! So ayan sya naginarte lang ako diba!! Okay being the kind of person that I am, yung guide ko na index card ay punong-puno pero ‘di ko rin naman binasa!! And again, thank you, EAN, for giving me that 15-minute spotlight to talk about how girls shouldn’t EVER feel obliged to conform to society’s standards (and to make hugot kasi ang laking factor ng mga tao sa paligid natin when we want to move on.. HAHA). I remember telling everyone inside the LT that there’s just so much love we can give. We may feel broken, shattered, as in walang-wala tayo, but that’s when we should realize that we have our families to love, friends to love, God to honor, and the masses to serve.

 

March 24 was Usapang Beki so sana naaalala pa nating lahat yung pagpagaspas at pagcaterpillar ko bye

 

 

March was a very crucial month. Probably my second most crucial month this year, next to April. It was a month of going back-and-forth hospitals for Nanay. A month of wanting to give-up and break down everyday because everyday became physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually tiring. Every day became a fight I had to win; an obstacle my family and I had to finish. KINERI, GUYS, KINERI.

 

And so came April. APRIL NA HINDI PA’KO NAKAKAMOVE-ON HAHA (STILL CRINGING) HAHAHAHA APRIL 21 NA 6MONTHS, 8DAYS, 12HOURS NA I SHOULD BE OVER YOU, I SHOULD KNOW BETTER BUT IT’S JUST NOT THE CASE (legit yan kasi binilang ko haha)

 

April 25, my blockmates and I went to Mindoro for a fieldwork. Sinabihan ako dito nung isang resident na, “Ikaw lang yung matabang umakyat dito” so di ko alam kung ano yung mafifeel ko pero thanks po HAHAHA tas kinagabihan nito, uminom kami tas tinamaan ako nang malala so habang pinipilit nila (Ken & Joey) ako na matulog na, nilapat ko lang yung ulo ko sa pinto tas nakatulog ako dun HAHAHAHA tas dinirecho nila ako sa CR para magtoothbrush ako. Nalaglag yung toothbrush ko sa floor, then drunk ysel picks it up, then brushes her teeth again HAHAHAHAHA

 

I remember arriving back home nung April 26. Naiuwi na kasi si Nanay from the hospital. So kinwento ko sa kanya yung trip to Mindoro. Mahina na sya nun. There were days na talagang di na sya nagsasalita, pero nagrereact siya. Nods or shakes her head, ganun lang. But that night, nung kinwento ko sa kanya na galing akong Mindoro, nagsalita siya. She was asking me questions like, “Sino kasama mo?” “Ano ginawa niyo?” “Sino tumawag sayo ng mataba?” HAHAHA and that gave me hope. A hope that seemed like a balloon that popped 3 days later. 3 days later was a very normal day. Normal na tipong kinram ko yung report ko 2 hours before ako magreport. Ganun ka-normal. But that night changed everything. I was in the van, on the way home, sleeping. My bag was on the car floor (kung yun man tawag dun) when my phone (which was inside my bag) vibrated and woke me up. It was my Mom, asking me where I was, kasi tumawag daw sakanya si Yaya saying na hindi na humihinga si Nanay. My friends, I was about 5-minutes away from home already, PERO SOBRANG TRAFFIC SERYOSO, so it took me 15 minutes more than usual.

 

This is the highlight of my 2015. This is the only depressing thing I will remember 2015 for. Hindi pa’ko umiiyak sa van, eh. Pero hindi na rin ako umaasa. It was her time. Hirap na hirap na rin siya. Pagbaba ko ng van, I ran towards the elevator, started panicking; my body began shaking, I was losing my head, everything became a blur. The only thing that wasn’t a blur was her stiff body lying on that hospital bed we bought for her.

 

I called my brother up. He was so happy picking up the phone because he was at a school party. It broke my heart to her the transition of emotions through the phone line. He did not want to come home that night.

 

I called my Tita (Dad’s sister) in Australia. And that was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done. She wanted to speak to Nanay, until I told her, “Tita, wala na.” The silence was so painful. So I dropped the call. I broke the silence. I filled the room with cries that were filled with memories of growing up with Nanay.

 

My parents arrived, and I couldn’t afford to see how they’d take it. So lumabas muna ‘ko, and waited na lumabas sila sa room ni Nanay. Saka lang ako bumalik. 2 hours later, my brother arrived, and up to date, that was the most heartbreaking scene I’ve encountered: my brother asking us to leave him and Nanay alone, seeing him close and hearing him lock the door – and him doing the same thing I did: he filled the room with a loud cry of loss.

 

I stopped crying for a few days. Of course the family had to be strong. Lalo nung nasa funeral homes, mafifeel mo na ‘di ka pwedeng umiyak kasi you had to talk to a lot of people, a lot relatives, a lot of family friends. 3 days later siya nilibing. 3 days later lang ako umiyak uli nang sobrang lala. 3rd breakdown of the year. I locked my door, and cried for God knows how long. And no, this is not in exaggeration. Ang tagal kong umiyak nun. They had to find the keys to my room to get in and try to stop me from crying (by telling jokes like punta nalang daw kami ng Binondo para kumita bilang crying lady).

 

And it had to stop there. I had to move on from there. Everything had to be okay. Nanay was okay. She was in peace already. We had to let her go. We had to be happy that she wasn’t in pain anymore. And so we did.

 

Pero gets, for one whole year, lahat first time. Kunyare, May 10, first mothers’ day without her. Yung ganun ba. Pero kineri, ikekeri!!

 

May 12 po YUNG NAPAKAHAGGARD NA ARAW KASI FOOD FAIR TAS NATEST YUNG PAGKAKAIBIGAN NAMING BARKADA TAS MAY REPORT DIN AKO KAY MAAM KIVELI (Econ History) na partner ko si Joey *dreams come true, char AT NAKA-40/40 KAMI HUHU ang saya po AND GAMIT NA GAMIT PO SA PAGREPORT KO YUNG PAGIGING ASAP-KATIPUNAN KO!!! ITO RIN YUNG MAY MOMENT AKO SA AS121 (SEA) KAHIT NAGRESEARCH LANG DIN AKO HABANG NAGREREPORT NA SA HARAP!!!! Haha omg bye

 

At natapos din yung sem ko ng May 29.. HAHA ❤

 

Tas yey birthday week!!!! (which is my first birthday without Nanay.. I told you all the firsts were crucial hehe)

 

June 4: Happy birthday, self! And good job for watching On the Job on your birthday HAHAHA

 

Thank you to everyone who celebrated my birthday with me hehe ❤

 

June 6 was the night that I realized that it is never wrong and embarrassing to ask for directions. Akala ko kasi ang lapit lang nung street na pinanggalingan ko (I forgot na where) sa Quezon Ave so nilakad ko lang sya NANG NAKAHEELS TAS AYUN AKALA KO MAMAMATAY NAKO but I survived hahahahahahaha KAYA NEXT TIME, MAGTATANONG NA’KO HAHA

 

June 13: To more happy Saturdays and catch-ups with Genjo Abnasan na hindi nagrereply kasi wala siyang load kaya ‘di kami nagkikita sa Baguio 🙂 HAHAHAHA

2015’s summer was all about our (Ken, Jaydee, and I) National Museum practicum. It was a good experience I’d rather not tell of kasi masyadong mahaba hahaha

 

And wow, kasabay nito ay yung Math class kung san naging mathlord na’ko, at yung obsession ko sa Harry Potter. I swear, it kept me sane and happy HAHA

 

(wala po masyadong nangyari nung july wow dull month you are haha)

 

The end of that summer was also the end of my moving on process. In a non-exaggerated manner, I’d really, really, like to thank the universe for Harry Potter: reading it out of hobby put my attention into something that I really learned to love, thus diverting my feelings from a heartbreak to this story that’s just extraordinary. I’ve read it before, all of it. And the movies, too, I’ve seen all. But to re-read and re-watch them with a mind that isn’t a child’s anymore, it was different. I never thought that the cliché saying that goes, “Divert your attention to something else” could work that easily. By the end of summer, goodbye feelings na’ko HAHAHA wew pero legit!! Thank you, Hogwarts, for being my home.

 

OK AUGUST SO ITO NA YUNG NAPAKASAYANG SEM KO HAHAHA HELLO 4TH YEAR 1ST SEM!!!! Yung first day mo as a graduating student, seryoso sobrang iba ng feeling!! Nakakapressure na nakakaexcite pero di ko na ieemphasize kasi baka majinx HAHAHAHA

 

August 5: First day with Maam Carballo! She’s so nice, pero nagklase sya ng buong 9-12..which is weird para sa first day (HAHAHAHAA YSEL WTF)

 

August 8: 5th breakdown of the year (4th ko was the end of Harry Potter HAHAHA legit na nagbreakdown ako nung natapos ko yung libro and lahat nung films kasi feel ko nawalan ako kahit alam kong anytime ko naman sila pwedeng balikan. Legit na breakdown ‘to guys. Lalo nung 7 part 2!! Ang lala nung iyak ko ok bye) This day started out so fine!! Birthday din nung deceased brother namin hehe. I was an only-child-for-the-day. We went to Madocs kasi may test ako that day (tas tinatakot ako ni Daddy na sa pisngi raw ako tuturukan like wtf????) then we went to Sincerity (Binondo) for lunch TAS I GOT FAT KASI SOBRANG SARAP NUNG CHICKEN DUN SERYOSO then we went to Quiapo to buy a few things and a few MENT LEAVES AND ASPARAGOS U KNOW basically I was so happy the whole day kasi I was with my parents and really had fun BUT THE universe had to balance my feelings so on the way home I started crying in the car (pero silently lang so they wouldn’t hear) tas pag-uwi I went straight to my room, called Camille up, and broke down kasi I was so frustrated with my life. There came a time pala na my mom blamed herself kung ba’t di ako nakalipat ng UPD huhu but no mom it wasn’t your fault they didn’t call me or whatever so gets it was all course and future frustrations nanaman. And besides, I think we all have days like that. We all need cry days. Nagkataon lang na mej marami-rami yung akin. Hehe bye

AUGUST 26 THANK YOU WORLD FOR ORGASM (as in yung Org) HAHAHA kasi kahit nag-inarte ako last year, hindi ko talaga kinayang hindi bumalik dahil narealize ko kung gano ko kamahal yung org at yung Area Studies. Hehe (thanks Eco and Saab kasi rumampa tayo paikot ikot nung MO at nagover the bakod sa Luneta..) AND THANK YOU WORLD FOR OUR VERY POGING MGA TITOS OF MANILA HAHAHA sobrang solid and classic niyo forever ❤

 

September 4 po yung 1st exam sa India tas 200 items tas sobrang natanga ako tas ang lala kasi 50 items dun ay true or false na nanggaling dun sa readings na di ko naintindihan so ang ginawa ko nalang ay 25 items ay true tas 25 items false HAHAHA TAS ¼ LANG PALA YUNG TRUE DI KA BA NAMAN MALAS HAHAHA

 

September 8!! Dapat manonood kami ng PalaCASan!! Was w/Osep, Oliver, Jecho, Victor, Vincent, Norman.. tas umulan. Nang malala. So what better way to wait for the rain to stop than drink diba HAHAHAHA edi humina naman ng onti yung ulan. Ang masakit, nasa labas na kami ng Rob nung bigla siyang bumuhos TAS BAGO PA ATA NUN YUNG SAPATOS NI OSEP SO MUKHA TALAGA SYANG TANGA NUN HAHAHAHAHA NAGWAWALA SYA it was so funny it’s such a happy memory tas yun yung naghati kami ni jecho sa payong so tig-kalahati ng katawan namin yung basa tas tumawid sya bigla nang may motor na papalapit so I almost died po but no HAHA ayan edi ok na nasa SEx na kami tas nung narealize kong di naman titila yung ulan, umuwi na’ko. TINRY KONG UMUWI. BAKIT GANUN YUNG BAHA. HAHAHAHA KADIRI tas ok umabot naman ako sa van sa Vito!! Ang masakit traffic everywhere so yung usually 40minutes na byahe ko pauwi ay NAGING LIMANG ORAS PO HAHAHAHAHA BUT THIS IS THE PART when I thank the world for Kuya Mike, yung driver namin na super nice and jolly and kalog (as in may kausap ako sa phone tas singit sya nang singit kung boypren ko ba yun) tas biglabigla nalang syang bumubusina para mambwisit (and siguro to keep himself up) and Ally!! (yung katabi ko (kasi nasa harap kami hehe) na tagaCSB who kept me sane kasi uwing uwi na’ko tas bat daw ba kasi ako nun lang umuwi *kasi lumandi pa me haha. Tas ang masakit nun, may pasahero sa likod AS IN SA PINAKALIKOD NA NAGDECIDE NA GUSTO NYA NANG BUMABA HAHAHA SO YUNG MGA TAO SA HARAP NYA HAD TO GO DOWN (BAHA AH) PARA MAKADAAN SYA HAHAHAHA SOBRANG SAVAGE

 

Paguwi ko natulog ako for 3 hrs tas bumyahe kinabukasan ng imbis na 40 minutes uli ay 3 HOURS DAHIL TRAFFIC PA RIN HAHAHAHA leche

 

I was walking with Saab nung isang gabi after namin manood ng Heneral Luna tas baha nun tas “OMG MAY SUGAT AKO SA PAA MAGKAKAOSTEOPOROSIS NAKO!!!!” HAHAHAHAHA ok bye

 

Sept15 nung binalik ni Sir Esguerra yung 1st exam sa India tas ang grade ko ay 3.20 ANONG GRADE YAN HAHAHAHA TAS BIGLANG SABI BUMAWI NALANG DAW SA FRIDAY (TUESDAY TO NAGANAP) LIKE WOW HELLO HAHAHAHA OKAY 3 DAYS TO STUDY SURE HAHA)

 

Sept21 was breakdown number 6 of the year dahil sa sobrang stress dahil sa lahat ng bagay mula sa Hanggang Kailan (batch perf) hanggang sa pagkaburn-out ko sa isang org.. or dalawa. Wew huhu so thank you, Jude & Bianca for being there nung mga panahong ang lala nung stress level ko. At sa pagpapaintindi sakin na hindi sukatan ang dami ng kaalaman o ED na nakuha na para masabing genuine ang will na lumaban para sa bayan!!

 

Sept23

Sir Betan: Ready ka na sa report mo?
Ysel: Yes sir, kaso mejo panget po.

Eco: Panget ka rin!

 

(tas tumawa ng mga 4minutes nyan si Rhoel, nonstop bakit ganun AHAHA)

 

ITO RIN YUNG SA SLIDES NUNG REPORT KO BIGLANG MAY NAKALAGAY NA “PAKYU KAYONG LAHAT” NA DI KO ALAM SAN GALING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HELP

 

AT ITO RIN YUNG SOBRANG EVIDENT AND FEEL NA FEEL YUNG BATCH RESOLUTION huhu sobrang saya, tas sobrang fun nung practice as in wow batch I love youuuu ❤ Thank you world for batch resolutions!!!! <33

 

SEPT24 PO AY VARIETY SHOW KUNG SAAN INULIT LANG NAMIN (PERO DINAGDAGAN NAMIN AT INIMPROVE) ANG STORYA NI PHILIP AT LAYA na nagdala na samin, finally, ng pagkapanalo!!!! Wew “HINDI AKO LUPA NA KAYA MONG IPAGLABAN!” “SHET DADDY, SHET!!” (CLASSIC YAN) AT YUNG SAMPAL NI SIR ANG NA PINAGHANDAAN KO NAMAN PERO YUNG MISMONG SAMPAL AY BEYONG WHAT I PREPARED FOR SO TUMILAPON AKO SA STAGE HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHmasakityunseryoso

 

September 30: Thank you world for friends who listen to our frustrations and confusions and almost-breakdowns – as in listening and just being there… wow hehe

 

Omygod OCTOBER FELT LIKE SOMETHING CONCRETE: SOMETHING I HELD ON TO AND DIDN’T WANT TO LET GO OF. I NEED TO THANK THE UNIVERSE, THE WORLD, THE GOOD LORD, FOR OCTOBER!

 

Oct 1 was Unpleasant Peasant *congrats, Vincent! It was also the day/night na sabi ng parents ko sabay na kami umuwi so hinatid ako ng Masig sa parents ko sa Ippudo tas nagulat sila kasi nagmukha kaming Gokusen dun HAHAHAHA pero wow that was the beginning of a very happy, stable, and open relationship (ANO TO HAHA) as in thank you world kasi nameet sila ng parents ko and that kind of makes everything okay and legal (sabi ko kind of HAHAHAHA) ❤

 

Oct 5 was Patikim KUNG SAN MASAYA KONG NARAMDAMAN YUNG PAGIGING NANAY KO HAHA and wow im just so happy

 

Oct 9 was the day na ang daming sinabi at kinwento ni Sir Eguerra na tipong by the end of the class, andami po naming umiiyak. And okay to make this a bit formal, he told us a lot of things. He told us that there is beauty in sacrifice; that we should all learn to say and accept “No,”; that while our loved ones can understand, hear, and communicate with us, we should let them know how we feel; and that it’s okay to love a person, even when that person might not love us, as long as we’re happy.

 

Oct 12 was Doc Abe Commemorative Lecture – wherein I met 2 cutiepie kids huhu sina Coco and Cherrylyn! They come from an Aeta community in Zambales – and sila yung beneficiaries nung solar panels form the Alpha Sigma. I had so much fun talking to Tatay Tirso and the kids that day! I mean, gets, even without my frustrations, I’ve always wanted to go to communities and help them out, live with them, see how they go on everyday. GOALS YAN OK GOALS!!!

 

Then there was this one day in October na bumabagyo pero umalis kami ng nanay ko kasi mga mandirigma kami.. we went to Ortigas ata? Then had to go to Greenbelt. We had to take a cab, tas ang bait nung driver nung nakuha namin. He started this conversation with Mom asking her where she works, what does she do, etc. So there goes my mother explaining how the Girl Scouts of the Philippines really advocates women empowerment. She started explaining and emphasizing how one shouldn’t be caged in the society’s standards. And I quote my mother, “…may age kasi na nagsastart silang magkaron ng crushes, and they start thinking – dapat ba kamukha nila si Kathryn Bernardo para magustuhan sila nung mga crush nila? So, GSP helps them become confident with themselves, with their features, color, size. GSP teaches them na hindi mo kelangan maging maputi, o matangkad, o payat para sabihin na maganda ka, or para maging masaya ka.” I WAS AT THE BACK CRYING HAHAHAHAHA I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, mom, for teaching me the good things in life!!

 

Oct21 MAY EXAM KAMI SA PSYCH TAS ANDAMING INSTRUCTIONS TAS ILANG BESES AKONG NAGKAMALI SO MGA NAKATATLONG ANSWER PAGE AKO HAHAHA SORRY TALAGA MELODY :(( HAHAHA KAYA GUYS KUNG MAGSA-PSYCH101 KAYO SIGURADUHIN NYONG BASAHIN MABUTI YUNG INSTRUCTIONS, LALO KUNG KELANGAN NAKA-CAPS LOCK YUNG SAGOT HAHA

 

Okay oct29 BREAKDOWN NUMBER 7 THIS YEAR HAHAHAHA tas yun na yung mga malalang frustrations ko like yung pagkaburn-out ko sa mass org ko, yung takot kong mawalan ng tao (wew), yung church/religion frustrations ko, tas ito yung nagkwento si Kuya (guard) na wala na yung anak nya.. Eh gets, nakalaro ko pa yun, nagkikwentuhan pa kami, tas binibigyan nya pa’ko ng spaghetti.

 

Ever since Nanay died, every death of people I knew became more painful than they usually are. And sumakto pang 29th of October yun.. so 6 months na since Nanay died. So, everything was trash. Yung iyak ko that day lasted siguro ng 5 hours in total (kasama yung pagbreakdown ko sa bahay haha).

 

One reason why I cried was my (weird) fear of being important. I always found it frightening to be important to people. It gives that feeling that you’re special, that you’re one of the reasons that make them happy. And true enough naman ‘yon. It’s just that.. nakakatakot maging importante one day, tas the next day not anymore. Sobrang fear ko yun. Sobrang frustrated ko minsan dahil dun. Not that I don’t want to be important. Ayoko lang maiwan. And this is not “maiwan” in an emotional, or cliché, manner. Ito yung maiwan na..wala nang iintindi sa mga hinaing mo. Yung mawalan ka ng taong handang makinig at umalalay sayo. I’m so sorry, I usually have weird frustrations. And I swear, they’re just so, so sad. But ok I’m not usually sad. Kaya ‘pag naiiyak or nacoconfuse or nagbibreakdown ako, malala talaga.

 

And I really, really need to thank Bianca, Jo, Skizzo & Jecho for staying with me that day, plus Masig & EAN for our dinner together. Thank you, world, for people who stay on our darkest days huhu!!

 

BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR (AT PANG YEARBOOK WRITE UP), JOEY: Parang kang yung relasyon niyo ni Ken. Di nagwowork-out.

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAA ok

 

So, November 1 was also a very crucial day. WOW ANG DAMI KONG CRUCIAL MOMENTS HELP haha. Okay so every year, we go to Bacoor kasi dun nakalibing yung relatives ni Dad, yung lolo ko, yung deceased brother ko, and this year, kasama na si Nanay. Yung fact na lang na yun, ang sakit na talaga. Going there thinking na this is the first time na kasama na si Nanay sa mga dadalawin was one of the worst things that ever broke my heart. But I didn’t cry kaagad pag dating. Syempre nagdasal kami, and it was always my thing speaking to Tatay and Giles. This year, though, pati si Nanay. The thing is, tuwing paalis na kami, dati ‘to nung buhay pa si Nanay, kinakalat namin yung flowers. Para daw di manakaw, tsaka para daw lahat nung patay eh may flowers. This year, my mom asked my Dad if ikakalat pa daw yung flowers. Humindi sya, kesho daw at least pag may nagnakaw, eh nakatulong pa raw kami. That very moment, I felt my blood rushing tas nagboil, tas ayun. Sumabog yung feelings ko. I cried nang malala because it was a tradition taught by Nanay na ikalat yung flowers. I cried until my family understood. Breakdown number 8. Wow.

 

NOVEMBER 4 WAS GRAD PHOTOSHOOT AT HINDI KO NA IKIKWENTO PARA HINDI MAJINX HAHA BUT THANK YOU, JECHO, SA BUS ADVENTURES KAHIT AYOKONG NAGBA-BUS HEHEH & for our ghost stories and field trip stories and shit haha, thank you Cathy for the ride & Tito cos he’s such a nice and happy tito, and thank you BOGS FOR EVERYTHING I SWEAR THIS WHOLE YEAR WAS OUR YEAR HEHE

 

NOVEMBER 6 WAS THE DAY (NIGHT ACTUALLY) NA NAG-PANSOL KAMI BECAUSE HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GAIL, And sobrang saya ko kasi I’m really just soooooo glad that the people I was with really were my college besties. Kahit ilang beses nila akong pinilit magslide kahit ayoko, binully nila ako, nilayuan, iniwan at di binalikan hangga’t di ako nagsaslide.. paq guys. And kay Ken na FINALLY SINABIHAN AKONG SASALUHIN NIYA KO THANKS PO HAHA sarap po ng tulog habang nagiinuman sila thanks life hehe YOU GUYS KEEP ME SANE AND ALIVE lalo during Esguerra classes, hahajk, but I mean it. I REALLY DUNNO WHAT TO DO W/O U GUYS HEHE I love u 5ever hihi

 

Kinabukasan nun we went home and since wala pang van sa Vito Cruz, natulog muna ‘ko sa UP tas nagulat kasi paggising ko andun si Hans tas inaya niya kong sumama sa pagbisita nila sa Lumad so di na ko tumanggi HAHAHA so naagpunta kami there, visited the Lumads, tho ‘di kami masyadong nakaikot dahil hindi naman din planado nang maayos yung pagpunta dun. Ang malala was dumaan kami ng SEx para samahan si Mako tas biglang nagka-ayaan pumunta ng QC HAHAAHAH TAS AYUN NA DI NANAMAN AKO UMUWI CONGRATS SELF HAHA yey birthday salubong happy birthday!! NANOOD PO KAMI NG EVIL DEAD TAS SOBRANG KADIRI TAS SOBRANG SABOG BAKIT GANUN YUNG PELIKULANG YON HAHA pero panoorin niyo din para nays!!!! Dito rin ako sinabihan ni Vincent na taken na raw ako.. taken by Masig. At hindi nako tumanggi. Maalaga at mapagmahal po silang lahat, bow. Hehe ❤

 

THANK YOU, SAAB, SA PAGDALA NG MINION NA MAMON NUNG ISANG MONDAY AT NAGENJOY TAYONG DALAWA KAKAGAWA NG ATING MINION MAMON HAHAA labyu hehe

 

November 13, I went with the boys (Eco, Karl, Joey, Jed, Ken) and Osep, and Vianne and Jaydee, sa grad photoshoot (kasi nagpaiba sila ng sched). Ang saya po maging stagemother hehe and ang saya Isipin na wow guys kasama ko kayo for 4 years and I bet my college life wouldn’t be this happy if it weren’t for you!!

 

NAGSURVIVE PO AKO SA PE FPF 5K RUN THIS SEM LORDE PASADO NA ME SA PE WALA NAKONG PE NEXT SEM MASAYA NAKO GAGRADUATE NAKO BYE

 

Nov 17 nang napatunayan kong yung mga biglang lakad talaga yung mga natutuloy hahaha

 

Sel: Asan ka?

Me: Papunta kina Bogs.

Sel: Oks, kami rin (ni Sarah).

 

HAHAHAHHAHA my love for Kuf ay umaapaw talaga haha w3w

 

Tas ito yung araw na ang daming road closures kaya buti sumabay ako sa parents ko paguwi tas inabot kami ng 3hours bago makauwi. Despite the traffic, it was a very happy trip. Sobrang chinecherish talaga yung mga ganung pagkakataon eh. The time you spend together kahit traffic. Tas ang daming kwento and jokes and songs that you get to sing together.

 

Nung tumanda ako, I started being SUPER clingy sa parents ko. I didn’t like thinking na one day, aalis din ako sa bahay, live on my own, work for my own and for them. Yung thought ba na maghihiwalay kami in the future, nakakalungkot na. Pero since syempre di naman pwedeng forever dumepende at sumama sakanila, dinaan ko nalang sa pagiging clingy ko. And really, I have to thank them for being very understanding & fun parents. Huhu thank you mom & dad for listening & getting mad sa jokes ko… HAHAHAHAHA

 

Nov 20: The Alpha Sigma Fraternity held their (annual) Toy for Totoy at Baclaran Church, where the Lumads were camping out. The whole afternoon, we spent time with the Lumad kids, telling them a story about Andres Bonifacio, and listening to theirs. It was painful to hear their stories of what kept on happening back home. They were abused, mistreated, terrified. Imagine, hindi sila makapag-aral ng maayos dahil tinatakot sila, dahil tinututukan sila ng baril. Kaya nung sinabi nila na napakahalaga sakanila ng edukasyon, mas masakit. Ang hirap pakinggan na sobrang vinavalue nila yung pag-aaral: Isang bagay na hindi nila makamit dahil hinaharangan sila.

 

As Vincent introduced us, nabanggit niya na graduating ako. Mga besh, pagkabanggit ni Vincent na 4th year at magtatapos na’ko, pumalakpak sila. Natawa ako kasi sanay akong sinasagot yung mga tao nang, “On time ‘to.” Late nagdawn sakin na kaya sila pumalakpak ay dahil, wow, ito na’ko. Patapos na’ko sa apat na taon kong pag-aaral samantalang sila, hindi makatapos ng isang taon dahil sa mga militar na nasa lugar nila. Mula nun, sila yung naging motivation ko. Sila na rin yung ginagamit sakin na pamilit para mag-aral. “Mahiya ka naman sa mga Lumad na pinalakpakan ka.” At ulit, ulit-ulit naming sasabihin, magkakalayo man tayo, kasama niyo kami sa pakikipaglaban!

 

THANK YOU FOR NOVEMBER 27 NA NAG-ROB KAMI AND NAG-MONI AND I WAS SO HAPPY HAHAHA IDK WHY HAHAHA BYE KIDS

 

And now wow we are down to this year’s last month!!!

 

DEC 2 PO AY NAPAKAMEMORABLE (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BET) DAHIL FIRST TIME KO SA EMILJOY TAS MUNTIK NA KONG MAMATAY (kasi may nagaaway, joke) KASI SOBRANG SARAP NG LIEMPO SERYOSO BYE

 

By the end of the week, I talked to a few people about fortune cookies at kung paano tayo nagkakafeelings na parang fortune cookie haha nakakafrustrate yung alam mong meron, pero di mo inaacknowledge kasi natatakot ka, or di ka ready. So yung papel na nasa loob, andun lang sa loob. Kasi never mong kinrack yung cookie. Mahirap, guys.. HAHAHA

 

(at kina-next week neto, ako yung nagbreak ng fortune cookie ng dalawa kong friends, and congrats, sila na HAHAHAHA)

 

DEC 8 DI AKO UMUWI KASI NAGSTAY KAMI SA CBTL ROXAS SABI NAMIN MAGAARAL KAMI PERO HAHAHAHA ok nagaral naman kami ng onti tas sabog pa rin nung exam HAHAHA TAS DUMAAN SA REMEDIOS NG ALASTRES NG UMAGA WOW HAHAHA LIFE DIBA wat is sketchy char PAGUWI KINA MARIANNE (thanks for letting us stay huhu) SABI 15 MINUTES LANG TUTULOG TAS WALA NA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TULOG NA FOREVER tas na-late pa sa exam like wow diba?????

 

DEC 10 YUNG MASAYA PERO MALALA (si Vicky HAHA) na moni LIKE WOW

 

Angelo: Ang sarap ng feeling pag alam mong gagraduate ka na!

Jecho: Di alam ni Ysel yung feeling…

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA ON TIME PA RIN AKO BESH

 

Pagkagising ko ng dec 11 ng umaga, bilang cramlord ako, nun ko lang tinapos yung magazine na project namin (na binigay nung beginning of the sem palang HAHAHA) TAPOS NAGBATCH PARTY TAS SOBRANG SAYA SOBRANG HAPPY KO THAT DAY KASI KITANG KITA MO NA MASAYA YUNG BATCH!!!!! May mascot pa kami nun (si Grimace) tas nung sinabi nung emcee na picture w/Grimace, sakin nagpuntahan yung friends ko kasi mga ulol sila AHAHAHAH YUN DIN YUNG FIRST TIME NA NAMULA AKO NANG PARANG KAMATIS (LEGIT) KASI NASAKTAN AKO jk NALUHA AKO KAKATAWA HAHA SI KEN KASI, NAKAKAINIS HAHA

 

DEC 14: Had dinner w/ my 2 college besties!!!!!! (Ken and Cesca HAHA) and made chika and wow di pala kami madalas magusap nang seryosohan no.. HAHAHA (naminyag din ako sa Zark’s nun..shhhhh) tas wow I was just so happy kasi I have these 2 people na yung trust level namin sa isa’t isa ay far beyond normal! Hehe I love you both so muchhhh

 

Tapos,

 

FROM BUENDIA TO MAGINHAWA REAL QUICK HAHAHAHAHAHA

 

(nagkita kami neto nila Lei Bert Polnix, plus nila Chan Lav Janrae) at walang ibang sinabi si Lei kundi malandi ako HAHAHAHAHA at jinajustify pa niya… HAHAHAHAHAH di rin ako umuwi neto (wow ysel HAHA)

 

& that was the last time I was with (some of) the brods this year. (nakakamiss kayo nang malala, oki huhu)

 

DEC 21: MET UP WITH THE HIGHSCHOOL BESTIES AND HAD THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE HAHA nanood lang kami ng Miss U replay (w/c isn’t a good thing to do pag magkakasama kami) HAHA NAG-INGAY, NAGTUSUKAN NG PAKAW NG HIKAW, NAGBWISITAN HAHA, NAGRAMEN, nag-open, nagreminisce *char, nag.. Idk. Everything just feels right w/Kuf. It’s not everyday we see each other, or yung nag-uusap tayo, but the love gets stronger. And I really, really couldn’t ask for more.

 

(I might as well stop there kasi the remaining last days were spent in Baguio, and with my family. And wala na’kong masasabi dito kasi I’ve been posting photos online, and everyone knows how much I love my family hehe)

 

GOING THROUGH THIS YEAR’S PAGES, ANG MOST NUMBER OF TIMES WRITTEN AY “SINUBUKAN KO TALAGANG MAG-ARAL, SERYOSO” HAHAHAHA and “NAKATULOG AKO HABANG NAG-AARAL, SHIT” HAHAHA

 

It’s not every year that I get to write how happy I was the past 12 months. Most of the things I kept on writing about before were how I had to force myself out of the box that caged me in a heartache that should have not been there in the first place.

 

2015 was a crucial year: stepping into 21 wasn’t easy. Accepting things I couldn’t change became an obligation: it was my only choice left in every circumstance and challenge I went through.

 

2015 was a year of forgiveness; thank You, Lord, for batch resolutions that really led to peaceful relationships within the batch.

 

Thank you, 2015, for friends who stayed. Wew. Thank you for Kufam. 8 years and counting & can I just say na legit na hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko kung wala kayo. From heartbreaks to gaguhan (to takutan kasi mga kupal kayo), you are def the best. We’re not always complete, and wala naman na tayong magagawa dun, but the love remains. Gets stronger, in fact. To more of seeing each other this 2016!

 

Thank you, 2015, kahit hindi kami madalas nagkita ng squad nung latter part of the year. It’s okay, and thank you kasi naging super understanding sila sa situation ko: from acads to being a south girl, they understand. Kaya nga ang 2016 goal ko: MAGPAKITA, HAHAHA.

 

Thank you for #TheOther7 *hindi ko na pinalitan to HAHAHA dahil di na rin naman sya discreet* SOBRANG NAGING SOLID NG SAMAHAN NAMIN OMG mula food fair hanggang karaoke hanggang pag-kain ng cakes together and spending birthdays together, there’s no denying that I have the best college friends ever. (na madalas akong i-remind about the time na nadulas ako sa putik tas gumulong tas.. ayun HAHHAHAHAA)

 

Thank you for Block7 DAHIL EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING WE’VE BEEN THROUGH, alam kong it’s all done. Every /bad time & memory/ is behind us now. Sabay sasablay, 2016! Even up to now, THANK YOU, for adopting me bilang blockmate 4 years ago. LOVE YOU BATCH!!!!! Let’s make this last sem our best, together!!!! Hihi (korni mo ysel ew)

 

Thank you for my babies!!! (Freshies) From my “babies” to Chups to the whole block, YOU HAVE BEEN SO KIND (and not so innocent) AND SO LOVING na madalas kong maramdaman na mas matanda kayo sakin ahahahajk THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME NA AGE DOESN’T MATTER (HAHAHA) and na lagi kayong nandyan. Ang sarap maging nanay niyo, lalo na kayo, Chups!! ITONG SEM NA ‘TO AY SOBRANG INCOMPLETE KUNG WALA KAYO. Kaya pls, wag kayong magbo-Bocobo. HAHAJk,

 

Thank you for AK!! (Lalo na si Steven, Bianca at Neen!!) I know, naburn-out ako, ilang beses at matagal-tagal rin. But you guys remained and continuously reminded me na para sa masa ‘tong mga hinaing natin. Na nakakatulong tayo sa ginagawa natin. Na magkakasama tayong lalaban at hindi magsasawang magtulungan para sa ikabubuti ng isa’t isa, at ng bayan. Thank you dahil tinupad nyo yung dati kong pangarap na mag-mass lead.. HAHAHA at dahil hindi kayo nang-iwan. TULOY ANG LABAN ❤

 

Thank you for Masig (& EAN *lalo na si Kyle huhu) KASI ANG ANG HIRAP ISIPIN NA GAGRUADUATE NAKO PAG NAIISIP KO KAYO HAHAHAjk words can and will NEVER be enough to express my gratitude to and for you. Kayo yung naging legit na “hindi kumpleto yung araw ko pag wala kayo” ko. Kayo yung naging legit na “Ang saya ko today because of you guys” ko. Kahit hindi pa rin tayo makamove on sa feelings ko minsan HAHA please know na hindi ako papayag na hindi kayo makasama araw-araw sa huling sem ko HAHAHA you don’t dominate the photos on my wall for nothing. Nothing has ever made it hard for me to think na 6 months nalang.. kayo lang. PERO GAGRADUATE PA RIN NAMAN AKO HAHAHA kahit lagi akong sinasabihan ni Victor at ni Mako ng “Iiwan mo na kami!” alam niyo namang di ko gagawin yun. At hinding hindi ko kayo ipagpapalit kahit magka-jowa nako ❤

 

Thank you, world, for friends who stayed. JAPAN, si Wey, si Chan, si Vicky, si Kenneth, si Myrcel, everyone, really. Napaka-fragile kong tao madalas, and I really feel lucky to have understanding people surrounding me.

 

This year was a tough one. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko, it was a legit roller coaster. IMAGINE 8 MAJOR BREAKDOWNS IN ONE YEAR HAHAHAHAjk

 

But in all my breakdowns, and even with everything that’s happened, life is beautiful.

 

If you’re reading this part already, I APOLOGIZE SA HABA NITONG POST NA ‘TO HAHAHA but thank you. Thank you for staying with me. Thank you for keeping up and understanding. Thank you for being part of this life full of frustrations and confusions and love and more love.

 

HERE’S TO 2016 WITH THE SAME LOVELY PEOPLE, AND TO MEETING NEW ONES!

Here’s to open doors and opportunities that’ll make us better!

 

And here’s to the stronger Ysel we’re all expecting kasi duh NEW YEAR HAHAHA and kasi we all know she can always come out stronger than she thought ❤

 

I tried my best to not make this post very emotional and korni, or too mushy, and I think I succeeded naman with that attempt? HAHA kaya thank you, really, for reading through and through.

 

And to everyone who stayed during those times na nawawala ako, as in naging lost sheep ako, I’m glad to say, my Shepherd has found me.

 

THANK YOU, LORD, FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.

For joy and sadness. For forgiveness. And for Your everlasting love. ❤

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