Monthly Archives: October 2015

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There was this one day in October that my professor told us his life story: about his family, about his situation when he was young, about making his life worth even under so much pressure.

He likes telling us stories about his days when he was still a student, when he started working and meeting people who have helped him get through all the struggles he faced. Well, he really likes making us cry.

That day, he told us about his relationship with his mother. His mother was sick, so even when he was attending college, he had to check her every now and then. He took care of her; made sure she was okay – that her sickness did not get the best of her whole physique. He fed her, bathed her, cleaned her up – and these, sometimes he felt, were unappreciated.

But it was not a problem, because it remained a fact that she was his mother. He knew she loved him; and he loved her, too, very, very much.

I keep on learning so much from my professor: lessons in life, in studying, in love. That particular day, he gave us lessons that are inked in our minds (and these are retained perhaps because most of us cried that day).

He told us that even in the most grieve situations, on days when we are so down and feel tortured (mentally, physically, emotionally), we must not pity ourselves. Pity is the worst feeling we can feel for ourselves. We are so much more than what we feel pity for.

“You should learn how, and when to say ‘No,'” he also said. Most of the time, we find ourselves doing what pleases others, knowing that it could cost us more than what we can offer. Well, that can’t go on. It was hard for him to say no, but he had to (whatever it was). And so it must be the same for us. This decision could change the way some people see us, but this decision will make us stronger. Our no’s will define our strengths; our willingness to prioritize ourselves when we really, really need to.

Then he told us, “You can love a person; though the person may not love you. But you are happy.” Of all the things I learned during the 2-year almost-relationship with a friend, this was the most important. And this will always be important. Explains why we are happy loving people today; people who cannot even look back to see the sincerity in our eyes every time they walk away. #waitsumobrafeelsko

Then he said, “There is beauty in sacrifice.” He retold stories of how he sacrificed and suffered all for his love for his parents. Everyone started tearing up. Every heart started breaking slowly. But he iterated again the point of beauty in sacrifice. It is torture to be unloved; or to be unappreciated; but when we do things in and for love, it is beautiful. It is special; it is important.

And so he ended that day’s discussion by telling us that while our parents, our family, and everyone we love can still understand what we mean to say, we should tell them that we love them – now, now that it isn’t late yet. Let them know the things they may not understand one day – when they grow old, when they get sick, when they can no longer remember, and when we go separate ways.

Ending October is a painful phase. October felt like a person you’ve finally learned to loved; it felt like something concrete – something you hold on to knowing that at some point, you’ll have to let it go.

All throughout October, I felt very, very happy. I was surrounded with people that made me feel good being alive. My stresses and crammed papers were nothing compared to the joy I feel whenever I stay in school, drowning in conversations I understood because I knew what my favorite people were talking about. Getting home exhausted felt nothing compared to the energy and effort I had to happily exert knowing that my existence was of help, and not of a burden. Going to different places for the first time didn’t feel like how it did when I was a child: scary and doubtful. This month’s was fulfilling, peaceful.

But October had it landslides, too. I had my fair share of breakdowns. I heard stories that shot needles to my heart, mentally killing my happy state. I had my own stories, I had my own problems. I had my frustrations. And even as I write this, the questions I fear are still unanswered.

But life is good.

Fuck life because this isn’t made out of good writing. This is trash. And I don’t know why I can’t write my emotions so beautifully right now. But this is how I feel. Life is beautiful.

“I want to cry and scream until my lungs hurt or I run out of tears. I want to throw things until they break and punch walls until I can no longer feel my hands. I want to kick down my door or throw myself onto the floor until my body stops shaking. I have so many pent up emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal. I want to hurt everything because everything is hurting me.

But all i’m going to do is pretend that everything is fine.”

– Unknown

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAtangina itong ito ako. Pagod na pagod nanaman ako.

One day, you’re going to realize that her silent laughter with eyes fixed on you were actually signs that she just couldn’t tell you out loud:  she needed you.

One day, you’re going to regret pushing her away from your life because she was annoying, loud, hyperactive – not knowing that she was only like that when she was with you.

One day, you’re going to see her soul, screaming for help, reaching out to those who can hear her.

Hindi lahat ng tao, “nag-iinarte” lang. 

It hurts to have too many feelings that you can’t explain and people don’t understand.

It is frustrating to be misunderstood, and to be told that you’re just being overly-sensitive.

There are monsters in my head that are fed with the thoughts of you looking past me and thinking that there’s nothing wrong with me; that I’m only asking to be fed with attention.

We don’t need your attention. We need your help. 

friends,

I am so scared of feeling important. I worry when people tell me how important I am to them. There is fear in everything I think about and do. There is fear in the love I give out to everyone I love. And there is fear in hearing people tell me they love me.

I’m a very straightforward person and I like (and am used to) telling people that I love them. I always have the urge to let them know how I feel, because I’m afraid that one day, I’ll be gone without having said what I needed to.

But being important just gives me the chills. Because it gives me the connotation that I am needed; that I am loved; that I make your life easier, happier, more fun – and all that shit. I rest upon the thought that I am alive for you, and because of you. I take privilege in knowing that my existence is something you do not crave all the time, but appreciate when present.

To be important is to cling on to the word as though it possesses all my being. My soul is happy because you make me feel important. It is not frightening to be loved – it is heavenly. 

But to be loved also gives the idea that once I am no longer important, I will be left alone – to go back to how life was without you. It may be “okay”  – but incomplete. And full of insecurities. Of longing. Of attempts to reach out to what I finally learned to love.

Thank you for making me feel important. 

And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that even with the happiest thoughts, I have my doubts and my anxieties; that even in my happiest days, there is fear and pain; that even in the most wonderful memories of and with you, I feel afraid.

I try not to.

And I will try not to. Because this part of the story is one of the happiest that life has ever written.

50 Answers

  1. Isabel Antoinette maybe
  2. Yesssssss!!
  3. I know.  
  4. yes, unfortunately
  5. Masig’s Patikim!!
  6. Went out hehehehehehe ❤
  7. ’til 12:30am
  8. Yes HAHAHAHA
  9. Sleeping o m g
  10. No. 😦 I mean it when I tell people I love theeeeem
  11. NO O M G
  12. No, that’s cruel
  13. awtsuno
  14. Yes!!
  15. Yes, shit huhu
  16. HUY OO ANO BA
  17. YES, LAST LAST WEEK LANG
  18. Yes!! ❤
  19. hehehehe
  20. My mom at home..
  21. “Sobrang mahal ko kayo tangina”
  22. HUY NO HASSLE
  23. NO HUHU
  24. NO OMG
  25. Yesssss
  26. Eli HEHEHEHEHEHE
  27. Yes!!
  28. JCo :((((((
  29. ……..y
  30. Very happy, yey
  31. No HAHA #gangsta
  32. LAST NIGHT im a very huggy person
  33. Ysel, Ganda, Mutya, Dyosa
  34. Yes, a lot of times o m g
  35. YES SOBRANG STRESSED ME OK
  36. twenty | one | pilots
  37. My stomach hurts KANINANG UMAGA PA :((
  38. Love is a very beautiful thinggggg. 🙂
  39. Yes *always*
  40. nothing???
  41. confused, awtsupapi
  42. idk ermggg i had this since i was young
  43. Yes HAHAHAHAHHAA
  44. I hug a lot of people everydayyy
  45. No ❤
  46. Writing down what happened yesterday (daily journal thingggg)
  47. I don’t think so hehe
  48. Sleep with someone 😦 #dantay
  49. No
  50. Yep. ❤

| doubt |

Scared of my own image

Scared of my own immaturity

Scared of my own ceiling

Scared I’ll die of unertainty

Fear might be the death of me

Fear leads to anxiety

I don’t know whats inside of me

Don’t forget about me

Even when I doubt you

I’m no good without you

To overthink on a cold Friday afternoon with an extremely painful stomach is not a very nice thing to do.

To overthink after one of the best nights I’ve ever had is such an insult to my positive personality, which (apparently) has been degraded a couple of times last month.

To overthink on the second day of the month is not a good way to “start” a 31-day commitment.

But I can’t help but do so because of your empty eyes and cold voice; your numb hands and stone heart. This life is so fair that it turns things around, making everything otherwise.

Space is everything people who grow close together need. A little time away from each other; a little time to think whether this connection is something that’s to be taken care of; or the kind that just leaves you hanging, urging you to walk away, but keep coming back for more.