It’s 11 in the morning and I’m crying like it’s 3AM because I have too many feelings. I’m so happy, I really really feel so happy that there are people who are so caring, and loving, and touching, and people you can easily attach yourself to; but I feel so stressed out, too – so these emotions are really taking over me and I’m not sure if I’m crying because of too much happiness or of frustrations.

I hear Fast Car  then I start to cry because I remember friends singing this.

I need to stop feeling too much happiness because it makes me feel uneasy – everything’s always up on my sleeves, everyone gets to see and know that I’m a very vulnerable person. Hahahawhy

When I was in my senior year in highschool, I always had roles in almost every event the school had. My barkada was always part of the committee – yep, the twelve of us. From June’s Acquaintance Party to March’s Recognition Day – we always took the lead. So that meant stress, right? But it was okay, ’cause everything’s okay when you’re with your circle! Hihi.

Then came one day, we were all busy with papers (as in yung IP ganern) and upcoming activities, and I had a bit more stress because of personal issues. So, ayun na nga. We were eating our early lunch (as in 10am) on the floor – we always moved chairs to form a circle in the middle of the room kasi hello, 12 kami hahaha, and Patty was sitting on a chair. I was indian-sitting on the floor, eating noodles, probably, when Jang (I think) gave us a bar of Mars that we’d share as dessert after eating. Eh kay Patty niya inabot yung chocolate. So when Patty thought of giving me my share, maybe, she threw the bar across the circle we formed, papunta sakin. Eh, may coffee ako nun, dun na-shoot. It spilled on my left sock, on my food, on the floor. And I felt so vulnerable that moment that I started crying like gago HAHAHAHA My friends had to hug me and comfort me as I continued ugly-crying – as in crying like madman, ganon kalala. 

That moment, I felt like the cup of coffee that was spilled on the floor. Nafeel ko na kasabay nung coffee yung buong pagkatao ko na natapon – just like that. Pagod na pagod na’ko. My friends had to bring me to the guidance counselor to calm me down – pero matagal bago ako kumalma. That was the worst stress-related experience I had, YET.

And right now I feel so bad because I am in my college senior year – and I have too many frustrations in life. From acad-related stress to org-related stress  to ANONG GAGAWIN KO PAGKAGRADUATE KO stress.

Ang nakakainis pa, yung isa sa frustrations ko ay yung pagiging sobrang saya ko the past few weeks! I once read a book that really touched my heart (Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner); and from the book, I remember: “Happiness like this is frightening… they only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something away from you.”

E x a c t l y w h y I ‘ m s o f r u s t r a t e d.

Minsan naisip ko, baka sinasabi ko lang na stressed ako kasi feeling ko stressed ko. Or vice versa. Either way, ganun yung point ko. Pero naisip ko, hindi din. Ang dami talagang ganap sa life. Lalo sa India (HAHAHA emphasis) Sa orgs, sa life. Sa life. Sa life. Tas feel ko nasistress ako lalo kasi ang dami kong tao na gustong makita pero ang lalayo nila. 

Eh kahapon, nagCR ako tas tinago ng friends ko yung phone ko. Pagbalik ko sa room, I knew I left it on the table, so nung wala na, alam kong pinagtripan nila ‘ko – eh sobrang may gusto akong itext (HAHA i know ang babaw) so nagbuild up yung emotions ko tas I started crying and I told Ken, “Kung kayo kaya niyo pang maghandle ng stress, ako hindi na.” Then I started to ugly-cry quietly kasi dumating na si Sir Esguerra, but I kept on crying even while taking the exam.

I don’t know why I’m this emotional. It’s not that time of the month yet, pero gan’to na’ko! Huhu.

Then this morning, yun nga. I thought of  a lot of people. Kasi my friends are so caring and loving and I get attached to them and it’s okay. Sobrang huggy kong tao, so sobrang saya ko when I hug people – lalo pag alam kong hindi naman huggy yung person pero nahahug ko sya ganon. Sobrang babaw ng feelings ko, sobrang babaw ng happiness ko. Sobrang babaw kong tao – I cry over small things, and that makes me happy, pero that scares me at the same time.

I’m really really happy when I get to be with people I want to be with, as in yung tipong kahit gabi lang. Or kahit ilang minutes sa isang araw lang. MTh nga, kahit for lunch lang eh. Tapos ang saya ko na nun.

Pero recently, nafifeel ko na yung org/nosleep/acad stress ko, nasasapawan ng emotional stress ko over things I can’t define kaya lumalala yung state of mind ko.

But I’m okay! Kasi I try to be okay. I cry and I ugly cry and I cry a lot pero after crying, as in pagkakalma ko, keri na. Finefeel and pinipilit ko yung sarili ko na keri na. Siguro it’s just sad na hindi ko nahahandle nang maayos yung stress ko, or yung emotions ko. Sobrang irrational ko (HAHAHAHAjecho) tas lagi nalang ako naooverpower ng emotions ko – pero gets, kahit pa I try to change that, ganun talaga ako. Tas the more I try to change that, the more I feel bad na ganito ako. Lalo lang ako nasistress. Haha.

Wala ata akong point sa post na’to.

Nagkwento lang ako.

But that’s what we all need, right?

Ilabas yung feelings natin.

I’m okay.

I’ll be okay.

We all are.

We all will be. 

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