It hurts to be the one trying to cheer people up most of the time. It makes you vulnerable to pain that you don’t want others to recognize.
Since last night, I’ve been having these heavy thoughts and feelings of resignation – and honestly, I don’t know where they came from. I try to push them away but I end up giving them the attention they ask from me, making me emphasize them more and more each second.
I try not to think about the things I’d consider “problems,” but they wouldn’t fuck off. I swear, I try not to think about them. But how can one go to sleep without thinking about the future – either the near or the far? Fourth year, first sem, nine months to graduation (YES) and I still haven’t thought of what I want to do with my life – or what I CAN do with my life. I’d probably be attending the forum on choosing the right law school on Wednesday (it’s open to all, hi friends), but I doubt that it will change my mind.
I’d always think that I don’t want to pursue law anymore because I don’t want to. But sometimes, honestly, I think that I just say that out loud because I don’t want to admit to everyone that I feel like I wouldn’t make it. Having a lawyer for a dad shoves all the pressure in one’s throat, really.
And then there’s the rain. The fucking rain. I know this isn’t a big deal but I really get excited easily. I make plans with friends – eat out, watch games (YES), do acads together – then it rains hard. All throughout this week, I’ve experienced the worst when it comes to rain (worst is relative, so yeaaaah, worst for me, I guess). I even had to put my left hand in the flood to get my slipper the other day, and that was along Pedro Gil – so how fucked up and disgusting is that? Why does the rain have to get in the way of me going home to be with, eat with, spend time with my family? Why does the rain have to cause floods that’d take me 5 hours to get home? Why does the rain have to cancel all the plans I eagerly found time for and made to be with people I wanted to see? T h e r a i n f u c k i n g f r u s t r a t e s m e.
Then I’d think about the people I enjoy spending time with. What if one day, I get all too clingy and attached but it all has to end? I always think that way – maybe ’cause I know people aren’t all going to last all the way with me. It all has to fucking end, right? Even when we don’t want it to. Recently, I’ve been spending time with people I love (learned to love, ganon). And they deserve to be thanked for keeping me sane. Seryoso, thank you so much to everyone I was with these past few weeks. You’ve all been making me feel so happy inside. Please, please, please don’t go away like other people do. Please. My heart feels too heavy when I think about you, guys, then of the possibilities that one day, we’ll be normal people who wouldn’t even seem to know one another so well anymore.
Then I’d think of stories that hurt. Of this fucking government. Of trapo’s everywhere. Of Lumads killed. Of global crisis. Of deaths everywhere. Of financial problems (yes). Of children losing their parents, or the other way around. Of lives wasted. Of lives that never lived long enough to see all the beauty in this world. Of my friends breaking up with their someone’s. Of my friends being confused and me not being able to help. Of my friends getting tired from all the work they have to do.
All I want to do is cry.
I don’t even know where all this sadness is coming from.
I feel so drained.
The past few weeks have been eating me alive.
I can’t even think straight anymore. I’m losing myself, and it’s not the good kind – it’s not the “losing myself but I have you” kind. It’s the “losing myself and I fucking don’t know why” kind. Everything hurts. Everything hurts. Everything hurts.
I just want to rest. For a while. Hibernate. Feel free. Be free from all the shit that I don’t understand. From all the responsibilities I’m honestly quite unsure if I can handle.
But maybe I can’t.
We’re going to get past all the stress and frustrations and hell we’re going through. Maybe not now. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not this week. But we’ll get there.
I’m sorry that it might not be soon. But – eventually.
This post doesn’t even make all the sense I want to make. I just made myself feel worse. Ha. ha. ha. Bullshit.
Sobrang dami kong feelings na hindi ko na alam kung anong tawag.
Tangina, ang sakit sakit na.