Monthly Archives: September 2015

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 To the best college bestfriends ever ♥

Having you as the people I get to spend time with (almost) everyday will always be one of the greatest things that make my UP-stressful-life bearable.

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Thank you for shifting in to Area. Hindi ko alam kung norm ba o required na maging magkakabarkada yung mga shiftee, but I am the happiest because of this.

You guys make everything better. 

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It’s so easy to fall in love with everyone, with everything. People’s eyes, sunsets, sunrises, the oceans, the skies, strawberries, songs that make you cry, tears that remind you that you feel – everything.

Maybe you just couldn’t figure it out yourself, but you’re in love with the flowers blooming along the streets where there used to be only trees and soil.

You’re in love with the Chinese noodles served to you last week by a very nice store waiter who kept checking on you if you need anything else.

You’re in love with the kid who helped an elderly cross the street.

You’re in love with the upbeat song that you keep hearing and you keep on wondering why it makes you want to cry.

You’re in love with the sadness that you feel whenever people reject you, disappoint you, because you know that at the end of this, is happiness beyond the grief you felt.

You’re in love with the friend you only met last week because even in silence, you have already learned to understand each other’s thoughts.

You’re in love with the time unspent with your family because it gives you that longing feeling that excites you when you think of how soon you’ll see them.

You’re in love with the person in love with your friend because you see the real person that he is and know that he has the ability to love your friend the way she deserves.

You’re in love with your vulnerability and how it breaks your soul every time.

You’re in love with your flaws, because fuck you, standards. 

You’re in love with everyone.

You are in love with everything.

You just haven’t figured it out, yet, probably. But you are. 

And it makes you glad that you are alive.

What makes you happy?

These guys deserved to be thanked for being the people that they are. Coming to school one day with a bit of a shot in the head, Vincent and I talked about how I never had a fraternity this close to my heart before. Tas paiyak pa’ko nun ’cause I get emotional when I massage people HAHAHAHA

Thank you so much, Alpha Sigma, for being my happy pills. HUHUHU All throughout this week (and the past fews), we’ve been together – from rains and floods and basketball games to puta-bakit-natin-to-pinaguusapan conversations – and I’m really, really, really, happy. Thank you for reminding me that you do have my back, and that I have you. 

You guys are the best boyfriends a person with so much frustrations can ever have.

Pramis, may ballpen kayo sa Pasko. HAHAHAHA. 

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To more happy, stressful-pero-napawi-niyo, pagod-pero-keri, peram-ng-ballpen, “dito-ako-kay-Ysel,” “para-kay-Mutya” days with you.

Love you, kids. 

– Mutya ng AΣ ♥

Remind yourself:

  • Magdala ng damit everyday, para sa mga gabing hindi ka makakauwi dahil sa ulan.
  • Magbasa ka – Slums, India – legit. On time ka pa rin, diba?
  • Gumawa ka ng reviewer kasi o m g hindi effective mag-aral nang walang reviewer, hassle.
  • Galaw, pakat. Mag-recruit. 
  • Wag mong itambak yung articles kay Sir Betan, seryoso. Ikamamatay mo yan.
  • ‘Wag ka nang magpuyat!! Hassle ka. Mahina resistance mo, okay? Kaya magpahinga ka!
  • Pag-gising mo, isipin mo na kelangan mong pumakat at lumaban para sa mga naaapi.
  • ^Ulit-ulitin mo ‘yan.
  • Mag-aral ka. On time, diba?
  • Bumili ka na ng yellow pad, kasi may mga prof na maarte HAHAHA ayaw ng white.
  • Gawin mo mga homework mo sa Psych, gaga ka. 
  • Umiyak ka pag pagod ka na, keri lang naman.
  • Wag kang mapanghinaan ng loob. #2016PaRin
  • Hug mo yung mga tao, okay?
  • Tetext mo lagi yung nanay at tatay mo (pati kapatid mo hahaha) na love mo sila. At kung pauwi ka na. At kung ‘di ka uuwi. Magpaalam ng maayos. 
  • Text mo friends mo, every now and then, kamusta sila – kahit nagkita kayo nung araw na ‘yun.
  • Kahit busy ka, spend time with important people, oki. 
  • Tas ayun nga, punyeta, matulog ka. HUHU.

It’s 11 in the morning and I’m crying like it’s 3AM because I have too many feelings. I’m so happy, I really really feel so happy that there are people who are so caring, and loving, and touching, and people you can easily attach yourself to; but I feel so stressed out, too – so these emotions are really taking over me and I’m not sure if I’m crying because of too much happiness or of frustrations.

I hear Fast Car  then I start to cry because I remember friends singing this.

I need to stop feeling too much happiness because it makes me feel uneasy – everything’s always up on my sleeves, everyone gets to see and know that I’m a very vulnerable person. Hahahawhy

When I was in my senior year in highschool, I always had roles in almost every event the school had. My barkada was always part of the committee – yep, the twelve of us. From June’s Acquaintance Party to March’s Recognition Day – we always took the lead. So that meant stress, right? But it was okay, ’cause everything’s okay when you’re with your circle! Hihi.

Then came one day, we were all busy with papers (as in yung IP ganern) and upcoming activities, and I had a bit more stress because of personal issues. So, ayun na nga. We were eating our early lunch (as in 10am) on the floor – we always moved chairs to form a circle in the middle of the room kasi hello, 12 kami hahaha, and Patty was sitting on a chair. I was indian-sitting on the floor, eating noodles, probably, when Jang (I think) gave us a bar of Mars that we’d share as dessert after eating. Eh kay Patty niya inabot yung chocolate. So when Patty thought of giving me my share, maybe, she threw the bar across the circle we formed, papunta sakin. Eh, may coffee ako nun, dun na-shoot. It spilled on my left sock, on my food, on the floor. And I felt so vulnerable that moment that I started crying like gago HAHAHAHA My friends had to hug me and comfort me as I continued ugly-crying – as in crying like madman, ganon kalala. 

That moment, I felt like the cup of coffee that was spilled on the floor. Nafeel ko na kasabay nung coffee yung buong pagkatao ko na natapon – just like that. Pagod na pagod na’ko. My friends had to bring me to the guidance counselor to calm me down – pero matagal bago ako kumalma. That was the worst stress-related experience I had, YET.

And right now I feel so bad because I am in my college senior year – and I have too many frustrations in life. From acad-related stress to org-related stress  to ANONG GAGAWIN KO PAGKAGRADUATE KO stress.

Ang nakakainis pa, yung isa sa frustrations ko ay yung pagiging sobrang saya ko the past few weeks! I once read a book that really touched my heart (Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner); and from the book, I remember: “Happiness like this is frightening… they only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something away from you.”

E x a c t l y w h y I ‘ m s o f r u s t r a t e d.

Minsan naisip ko, baka sinasabi ko lang na stressed ako kasi feeling ko stressed ko. Or vice versa. Either way, ganun yung point ko. Pero naisip ko, hindi din. Ang dami talagang ganap sa life. Lalo sa India (HAHAHA emphasis) Sa orgs, sa life. Sa life. Sa life. Tas feel ko nasistress ako lalo kasi ang dami kong tao na gustong makita pero ang lalayo nila. 

Eh kahapon, nagCR ako tas tinago ng friends ko yung phone ko. Pagbalik ko sa room, I knew I left it on the table, so nung wala na, alam kong pinagtripan nila ‘ko – eh sobrang may gusto akong itext (HAHA i know ang babaw) so nagbuild up yung emotions ko tas I started crying and I told Ken, “Kung kayo kaya niyo pang maghandle ng stress, ako hindi na.” Then I started to ugly-cry quietly kasi dumating na si Sir Esguerra, but I kept on crying even while taking the exam.

I don’t know why I’m this emotional. It’s not that time of the month yet, pero gan’to na’ko! Huhu.

Then this morning, yun nga. I thought of  a lot of people. Kasi my friends are so caring and loving and I get attached to them and it’s okay. Sobrang huggy kong tao, so sobrang saya ko when I hug people – lalo pag alam kong hindi naman huggy yung person pero nahahug ko sya ganon. Sobrang babaw ng feelings ko, sobrang babaw ng happiness ko. Sobrang babaw kong tao – I cry over small things, and that makes me happy, pero that scares me at the same time.

I’m really really happy when I get to be with people I want to be with, as in yung tipong kahit gabi lang. Or kahit ilang minutes sa isang araw lang. MTh nga, kahit for lunch lang eh. Tapos ang saya ko na nun.

Pero recently, nafifeel ko na yung org/nosleep/acad stress ko, nasasapawan ng emotional stress ko over things I can’t define kaya lumalala yung state of mind ko.

But I’m okay! Kasi I try to be okay. I cry and I ugly cry and I cry a lot pero after crying, as in pagkakalma ko, keri na. Finefeel and pinipilit ko yung sarili ko na keri na. Siguro it’s just sad na hindi ko nahahandle nang maayos yung stress ko, or yung emotions ko. Sobrang irrational ko (HAHAHAHAjecho) tas lagi nalang ako naooverpower ng emotions ko – pero gets, kahit pa I try to change that, ganun talaga ako. Tas the more I try to change that, the more I feel bad na ganito ako. Lalo lang ako nasistress. Haha.

Wala ata akong point sa post na’to.

Nagkwento lang ako.

But that’s what we all need, right?

Ilabas yung feelings natin.

I’m okay.

I’ll be okay.

We all are.

We all will be. 

We’re broken people

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It hurts to be the one trying to cheer people up most of the time. It makes you vulnerable to pain that you don’t want others to recognize.

Since last night, I’ve been having these heavy thoughts and feelings of resignation – and honestly, I don’t know where they came from. I try to push them away but I end up giving them the attention they ask from me, making me emphasize them more and more each second.

I try not to think about the things I’d consider “problems,” but they wouldn’t fuck off. I swear, I try not to think about them. But how can one go to sleep without thinking about the future – either the near or the far? Fourth year, first sem, nine months to graduation (YES) and I still haven’t thought of what I want to do with my life – or what I CAN do with my life. I’d probably be attending the forum on choosing the right law school on Wednesday (it’s open to all, hi friends), but I doubt that it will change my mind.

I’d always think that I don’t want to pursue law anymore because I don’t want to. But sometimes, honestly, I think that I just say that out loud because I don’t want to admit to everyone that I feel like I wouldn’t make it. Having a lawyer for a dad shoves all the pressure in one’s throat, really. 

And then there’s the rain. The fucking rain. I know this isn’t a big deal but I really get excited easily. I make plans with friends – eat out, watch games (YES), do acads together – then it rains hard. All throughout this week, I’ve experienced the worst when it comes to rain (worst is relative, so yeaaaah, worst for me, I guess). I even had to put my left hand in the flood to get my slipper the other day, and that was along Pedro Gil – so how fucked up and disgusting is that? Why does the rain have to get in the way of me going home to be with, eat with, spend time with my family? Why does the rain have to cause floods that’d take me 5 hours to get home? Why does the rain have to cancel all the plans I eagerly found time for and made to be with people I wanted to see? T h e r a i n f u c k i n g f r u s t r a t e s m e.

Then I’d think about the people I enjoy spending time with. What if one day, I get all too clingy and attached but it all has to end? I always think that way – maybe ’cause I know people aren’t all going to last all the way with me. It all has to fucking end, right? Even when we don’t want it to. Recently, I’ve been spending time with people I love (learned to love, ganon). And they deserve to be thanked for keeping me sane. Seryoso, thank you so much to everyone I was with these past few weeks. You’ve all been making me feel so happy inside. Please, please, please don’t go away like other people do. Please. My heart feels too heavy when I think about you, guys, then of the possibilities that one day, we’ll be normal people who wouldn’t even seem to know one another so well anymore.

Then I’d think of stories that hurt. Of this fucking government. Of trapo’s everywhere. Of Lumads killed. Of global crisis. Of deaths everywhere. Of financial problems (yes). Of children losing their parents, or the other way around. Of lives wasted. Of lives that never lived long enough to see all the beauty in this world. Of my friends breaking up with their someone’s. Of my friends being confused and me not being able to help. Of my friends getting tired from all the work they have to do.

All I want to do is cry. I don’t even know where all this sadness is coming from. 

I feel so drained.

The past few weeks have been eating me alive.

I can’t even think straight anymore.  I’m losing myself, and it’s not the good kind – it’s not the “losing myself but I have you” kind. It’s the “losing myself and I fucking don’t know why” kind. Everything hurts. Everything hurts. Everything hurts. 

I just want to rest. For a while. Hibernate. Feel free. Be free from all the shit that I don’t understand. From all the responsibilities I’m honestly quite unsure if I can handle.

But maybe I can’t.

We’re going to get past all the stress and frustrations and hell we’re going through. Maybe not now. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not this week. But we’ll get there. 

I’m sorry that it might not be soon. But – eventually. 

This post doesn’t even make all the sense I want to make. I just made myself feel worse. Ha. ha. ha. Bullshit. 

Sobrang dami kong feelings na hindi ko na alam kung anong tawag. 

Tangina, ang sakit sakit na. 

This week was intensely one hell of a stressful week. I’ve been through floods, headaches, coughs and colds, and extra drinks. HUY. HAHAHA.

Sobrang lala. As in malala, ganern. 

Monday I think I started my week right (’cause that’s what my journal says). “Dami mo namang ginagawa, Sir” HAHAHA SIR MESINA. Had lunch with the bunch sa Tambayan and gave ourselves names of the 7 deadly sins. Ang lala naman nung Lust ako, grabe. HAHAHAHA. Went around and around and wanted crinkles and thank you UP Vector for that very sweet graham-like-chocolate-covered-thing you were selling. Hihihi. “Nakakapagod din yung walang ginagawa.” – Hugh HAHAHA, me everyday.

Tuesday AYAN ETO NA so medyo tatagalugin na natin ‘to. Went to PE class. Nag-aero dance kami, which was very very very fun!! HAHAHA favorite dance steps ❤ Tas ayun nagyoga din kami. MAS SUMAKIT YUNG KATAWAN KO SA YOGA NAKAKALOKA, yung fats ko nastretch nang malala hahaha pero ang saya sa yoga mat hihi. NAGQUIZ NANAMAN KAY SIR ESGUERRA HAHA umuulan na ng sngko ❤ haha tas wala na talaga ako naintindihan nung India tas nastress ako kasi kahit sa US feel ko pagod na pagod ako so I don’t think I understood much……… (wew) Apparently, andito so Bert so hello headquarters with Saab & Echo! Had to go back to UP kasi I had to wait for some people so I made tambay muna tas omg I was talking to Vincent with amats like, “I’ve never had a frat so close to my heart like this like shit I really love you guys” HAHAHA Planned to watch PalaCASan so I went with them to PGH na rin. Nagwarm up sila tas nagpagandahan ng pagpanggap ng kilig tuwing “Para kay Ysel” tas shoot ganon tas ayun umulan nang malala so hindi rin natuloy yung games ANG SAYA NAMAN HAHAHA Jecho and I had to study but hello tawag ng ulan so we went with them so eto nanaman ako HAHAHA #liverlover Edi okay naman sana. Masaya naman kami, ganon. Legit. ❤ Kaso paglabas namin ng Rob, ayun malala pa rin yung ulan ❤ They decided to eat but I had to go home pero I had to rest and dry myself for a bit muna so we walked to SEx kaso wala silang mga payong SO AYUN ANG LALA NG TAWA KO kasi ang arte ni Osep sa sapatos nya HAHAHA like he was shouting like fuck the whole time EH TATLO PA SILANG NAGHATI SA PAYONG HAHAHAH ang lala :(((((( Ang lala pag naaalala ko kasi natatawa talaga ako :(( Tas Jecho and I shared sa payong ko so tig-half ng katawan namin yung basa TAS ANG LALA PA KASI MASAYA SYA SA PAGTAWID NYA SO MUNTIK NA KAMI MASAGASAAN NG MOTOR bae ayoko pa mamatay :(( Nagpatuyo sandali sa SEx tas ITO NA TALAGA. Sabi ko aalis na’ko so I hugged everyone na (kalma muna ‘ko ng onti) tas ayun lakad palabas with my payong ’cause I’m okay naman with the rain. NAGING HINDI LANG OKAY LAHAT NUNG MALALA NA YUNG BAHA SA P. GIL TAS NAKAPANG-PE AKO SO JOGGING PANTS TSAKA RUBBER SHOES (Di ako nakapagbaon ng slippers hehe) tas ayun na nilakad ko na yon ganon iwas iwas din sa manhole tas NUNG PATAWID NAKO FEEL KO NASA SURVIVOR PHILIPPINES AKO KASI ANG LAKAS NG CURRENT NUNG BAHA HAHAH tas ayun nakasakay naman ako ng jeep ❤ tas pagdating ko ng Vito may van pa naman tas edi masaya pa’ko. Sa harap pako nakaupo so nagsorry pako sa katabi ko, “Ate amoy nako ulan and I’m kind of basa HUHU sorry” pero keri naman daw. TAS AYUN NA. HAHA. MALALA NA YUNG TRAFFIC. BUTI NALANG TALAGA MABAIT SI ALLY (sya ung katabi ko) AT SI KUYA MIKE (yung driver). LEGIT NA NAGKWENTUHAN LANG KAMI TAS NAGJOKE TAS NAGKANTAHAN TAS NAGTABLAHAN HAHA NAKINIG SA USAPAN PAG MAY ISA SAMING NAKIKIPAGUSAP SA PHONE basta sobrang saya namin!!!!! Like, wow one good thing happened with this fucking traffic. TAS ANG LALA TALAGA NUNG TRAFFIC!!! WE WERE ON THE ROAD NA NG MGA 9:15 TAS WOW NAKAUWI AKO MGA 1:30!!!!! Eh mga 3 ako nakatulo HUHUHU

Wednesday Nagising naman ako ng maaga. Pag 9am class ko, umaalis ako 7 or 730 TAS MAAGA PA YUN. Pero I decided umalis ng 6:20 kasi may ipapaprint pako. KASO WOW HA. ANG LALA NANAMAN NG TRAFFIC SAMIN. Pati sa Skyway. so yung alis ko ng 6:20, 9:20 AKO NAKARATING SA SCHOOL HAHAHAHAHA SOBRANG SAYA NAMAN TALAGA NG LIFE KO ❤ Ayun nagklase tas naglunch with Ken Karl Saab tas nagCWL with Ken Karl tas naginarte sa UP like nagpaturo ng Pokemon ganon HAHAHA tas met Neen sa Hainan then onting mahiwagang tubig with Osep and Hugh #liverlover ❤ PERO HEHE NAKAUWI NAMAN AKO NETO kaya i’m happy

Thursday HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAB ❤ Neto lang nagsink-in sakin na kulang tulog ko the other night so nung pinaattend kami ng seminar mej nakaidlip ata ako……………….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA watched Heneral Luna with Saab!!!!! GALING TAS ANG GANDA ❤ HUHUHU tas ang galing po ni John Arcilla tas si Jerrold Tarog like STOP GUYS HAHAHA OR NO DON’T STOP MAKE MORE FILMS LIKE THIS ONE masaya naman kami ni Saab, sobra, kaso alam mo yun, baka tinubuan na pala ako ng balat sa pwet KASI PAGLABAS NAMIN NG ROB MALALA TALAGA YUNG ULAN “Omg may sugat ako sa paa magkakaosteoporosis nako” ANEZ TAS ANG MASAKIT TALAGA INABANGAN KO YUNG PALACASAN GAME KASI SARAG-HAIK YUN tas biglang uulan nang ganon kalakas????????? MABAIT NAMAN AKONG TAO E :(((((((((( HAHA tas akala ko titila sya eh hindi tumila so tinry ko umuwi tas YES MAY SLIPPERS NAKONG DALA SO NAKATSINELAS NAKO. HINATID KO SI SAAB SA UT TAS OKAY LAKAD PAKO PATAFT ❤ EH HUDAS NAPIGTAL TSINELAS KO EH ALAM KONG KERI PA SYANG MAAYOS SO %^&^&%$%#!! NILUBLOB KO YUNG KAMAY KO SA BAHA. SA PEDRO GIL. pwede nyo nako murahin at this point. KADIRI HAHAHAHAHAHAHA tas nakasakay naman ako KASO MALALA YUNG TRAFFIC HAHAHA EDI PAGDATING KO SA VITO MALALA NA SABI SAKIN BAKA UMAGAHIN NANAMAN AKO NG UWI EH HELLO NO SO SABI KO KAY SAAB SAKANYA NALANG AKO TUTULOY TAS OKAY LANG NAMAN DAW.EH WALANG MASAKYAN NA JEEP OR KAHIT ANO PABALIK SA PGIL GALING VITO SO ITO NAMAN AKO UWING UWI NA AT KATING KATI NA DAHIL SA BAHA, NAGLAKAD AKO MULA VITO HANGGANG P. GIL. pero at least napatunayan kong papasa ako ng FPF HAHAHAHA tas ayun nakatulog naman ako nang masaya ❤

Friday Normal day. ❤ Umuulan pa rin ng singko kay Sir Esguerra. Nanood ng Indian dances nung India. Not #summacumlaude but #SubraKunLande pag grumaduate ❤ Naglecture nung US. Nanghug ng mga tao tas tinanong ako ni Hugh bakit daw ganon yung mga nangyayari sa buhay ko and I’m like BAE KUNG ALAM KO LANG DIN TALAGA :(((  HAHAHAH #MutyaNgMasig ❤ Nagpasundo HAHA, TAS UROR NUNG PAALIS NAKO NAGBABYE AKO SA MGA TAO SO HUG HUG GANON TAS MAGSESELFIE DAPAT AKO SA PHONE NI JECHO TAS NUNG MAGSESELFIE NAKO NAMATAY YUNG PHONE NIYA TAS DI NAMIN MABUKSAN HAHA :(( BAKIT KASI SOBRANG GANDA KO :(((((((((((((  aghhhhh OK UN LANG TAS AYUN NA dinner with Bet Nikka Selene (tas onting Nelle and Jorinne) TAS AYUN NAKAUWI NAMAN AKO ❤ ANG SAYA SAYA KO HAHAHA 

Tas katext ko pala nanay ko, sabi ko, “Buong 4th year life ko feel ko ganto nako. Hahaha I’m sorry! Haha I want to be active sa orgs and acads sa last year ko eh hahahah” TAS ANG SAGOT NI MAMA AH: IT’S ALL RIGHT ANAK BASTA SURE NA ACADS AND SCHOOL RELATED NOT BOYS OR ACTIVISM 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH OKAY??????? 

Sabi ko mag-aaral ako ngayong weekend so….. baka mayamaya HAHAHA napakainformal nitong post na’to pero wala akong pake HAHAAHAHHAHA bye ❤

PS MALALA TALAGA YUNG UBO KO hehehe oki keri !!!! fight !!