Here’s the thing. I’m predictable.

The negative side of being a people person: predictability. 

It gets hard, so hard. Of course, it’s actually a good thing when you’re friendly – when you’re a people person. You can run to anybody and ask for directions when you’re lost, you can hug anyone you know anywhere, you can talk to anyone anytime.. really. The advantages. But the disads? Well, you are predictable, dear friend. 

I can’t even tell the range of the predictability I’m suffering right now. It’s like, I frown for a few seconds, and everyone asks what’s wrong (well except for them, actually..) And hey, the other disad? It’s when your appearance shows your soul: your whole soul. You can never hide, because when you’re in hell, your demons decide to tell other people about that hell you’re in. 

And I hate it, it’s a fact. 

I have come to the point when opening up to people isn’t an asset anymore. It disgusts me. It leaves me manipulated. It harms my ego, and it has become a disadvantage. The sadness you’ve felt months ago are revived when you accidentally show off something that makes you happy – when that thing is connected to whatever made you sad.

My people-person attitude, my openness, my ability to speak and share – they have become my weaknesses. I have opened my soul to the world, opening the gates of my flesh-hungry, insecure, paranoid, anxious demons. I have let them speak for my pain, for my anger – all that made me vulnerable. 

And now, look. 

I can’t be happy. Genuinely. ‘Cause the happiness you bring me is taken away by the comments of the people around me. And I want to protect you, I want to fight for you. And I am, I always will. 

But the battle’s become between me and the world. 

I am now predictable. My soul can be shattered and shamed anytime, because it is known to be fragile. My soul is tampered by the image of my demons. My monsters. My bad side. The darkness. 

But I hide them, I try to. 

Because if there was anyone I’d open the doors of my demons to, it would be you. Because you are the cause to tame them. You give me the reason to tame them. 

People will bring me down. People will continue to ask me about you, about us. But I will choose to defy the circumstances, for you. My predictability may be my weakness, but it will never be a nuisance to what exists between us. 

*Hugs, B* 

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