I found the mistake. I found the wrong move.
It’s back-reading, at 12am onwards.
It’s back-reading, after a hard situation both of you were in.
Thinking that back-reading would make you feel better because it reminds you of how everything was before, you’re wrong. Definitely.
Because it will only make you crave for more love than what there is now – if there still is love.
It will make you see the difference of then and now, and clearly show you the transition of how everything was great and lovely and just wonderful in the first three months and how you fcked everything up so bad that you couldn’t take what “now” is anymore.
But with your foolish actions of back reading, I hope that you gear up your hopes as well to rekindle the love you were always willing to offer him, even without the demands of it being returned to you – the way it was before, remember.
It will always be hard to see how things have changed.
And it will always be a mistake to read old messages during late night. It’s like self-torture. Not like, it IS self-torture. So, try not to do it – especially when all your frustrations and confusions are orbiting your whole thoughts.
Because at the end of every hard, painful, extremely sad day, you know for yourself that despite the hundreds-thousands-millions reasons to leave, you will look for that one single small reason to fight for what you have, and stay. Stay because you want to be with him, and because he has given you happiness beyond what you thought love can give.