Monthly Archives: September 2013

I wonder, does it ever occur to you that I really do love you?

I mean, even when I don’t tell you?

Like, even when I don’t say it out loud?

What if I don’t look at you with my sincere eyes?

What if I don’t flood you with my heart emoticons, lambing voice clips, and the labyu’s that you usually don’t reply to… pero.. Hay okay na.

What if I don’t make you see how jealous and clingy I really am when it comes to you?

What if.. what if.. what if.. puro what if’s.

But beyond these what if’s, would you still know? Would you still feel it? Would you know that love really exists in the distances of our minds and our closed hearts?

Because it would break break break me into tiny pieces if you didn’t know. If it doesn’t occur to you that I really do do do love you. And this is the exact reason why just the thought of keeping a small distance between us hurts.

I don’t want to be sad.

I don’t want to be all puffy inside and gloomy tonight. But it was a random thought.

I really hope you know.

And yes, it’s hard. It’s I-can’t-find-the-right-word-so-please-let-me-use-complicated. It’s… it’s. It’s something both sad and happy at the same time. But I need to know if you’re as happy as I am. If, just if.

I’m a bit sad that this post is full of if’s.

But if you do manage to pass by this, this is to remind you that every time I tell you, “I love you,” or every time I say, “Labyu” (in person, through text, DM, WeChat, calls), I mean it. I really do. The feelings are true. Love is there. Love exists. Love exists and though I can’t say between the two of us, at least, in the distance -that small, shallow, space- between our physical bodies, and our souls.

And again, I love you. From the tips of your hair, to the soles of your feet. Even deeper. Just, deeper.

Love defies the principle of time. 11 months, and I want you to know that I have never loved anyone before the way that I love you now. That I extremely do. That I happily do.

And please, please, bear in mind that when I tell you I’m happy, I really am happy.

And I just hope, even when the hope  I’m gripping on is as tiny as a single grain of rice, that you’re happy just being with me, too. 

I want to end this sem with you, because I fear, I fear, that.. I just fear. 

Maybe the thing is, I need one whole day of plain crying with you, just you. Crying my heart out.  Crying the thoughts that remind me how lucky I am because I love you, and you let me. And crying the pain out because you can’t, don’t, and won’t even try to do the same, and with all honesty, that really hurts. I want you to hear me sob as I try to hold back the river in my eyes, and as I thank you for all that you’ve done, for what you made me. I want you to hear me blame you as well, even when I know that this is my fault, generally. I want to embrace you, and feel home, the way I feel a few months ago, as time changed you now. I want to look into your eyes, and make you see that I look so stupid, and I get bashed a lot more than you think, yet I still want to fight, fight for you. I want you to look at me with sadness in your eyes, feel my pain, lift my spirits up, help me save myself. And just never leave. Never ever leave. 

But time will come, we’ll have to. We’ll both have to.

And if that happens, I hope you remind yourself everyday that I really, really, really loved you.

Happy thingsss. ;;;)

And before the day ends, I would like to tell you a few stories. Stories from yesterday, a few days ago, and probably more of today. I haven’t written in my Tumblr for a long time (about my days at least), so all that I will write here, I am lucky to remember.

 

August 27. For some odd reason, I kinda liked the fact that our History professor asked Ken to borrow a different cord from the dep, and that he asked me to go with him, with no words spoken. That was also the day when I loved myself so much for doing the “Breakfast ko kalahating baso ng milo” knock knock joke. PolSci was funny, “Sir, 50% ng exam ikaw magtatanong, 50% kami!” It’s still funny, really. It really is. Ken and I then had lunch together at GAB Caf, and Patty and her friends were there. And that actually made that moment so funny. “Ayoko ng may nagbubulungan sa harap ko,” and her, “Bakit ang tahimik nyo? O maingay lang talaga kami?” Honestly, I consider myself lucky enough to be in one campus with 2 Kufs. Woo. Oh, I remember shouting, “BE!” and one of the Kuya’s from the other table actually looked at me. HAHA. So we just laughed until we couldn’t breathe anymore, until it was time for them to leave. Ken and I went to the library to study since we had an exam in Anthro, which was… okay. Haha. Had dinner with Ken, we were okay. Hehe. And roamed around a bit to look for Ate Kim’s gift. And went home, with the deal to meet at 8:40 the next day to buy a gift and study for STS. Haha.

 

August 28, Anna’s birthday. Woke up at 7 something, went to school early, with the hopes that.. okay. Ken arrived like 10:40 something, which was, since he knows this already, heartbreaking. SLEEP DEPRIVATION. So we went to Rob already, bought shirts, and I swear, there was this one shirt that was just so funny. It had a bird and a cage, and the bird told the cage, “You’re too possessive.” Yes, if you know both of us, you know what I mean. Then we went to AganTea to “study.” We did. Haha, thanks to the ambiance. Makkie dropped by, with Jared, left, and came back. So yes, we did study. By 3:20, Ken and I left to eat, hehe, takoyaki love love. And he asked me if I was in love. EH BAKA HINDI. Haha. Walked to UP, took the exam. BRAIN WASH. GRABE. HARD. Stayed at Tambayan for a while, talked about what the gents were supposed to wear on Anna’s birthday, laughed about it, and they left. I stayed, and a few Prosties and I went to look for a gift for Anna. Yay!

 

August 29. Math. And Area 101 exam. Which I studied for, thank you very much. Nahirapan ako. Haha, okay. I remember Ma’am Caringal saying, “Eh kung mali, bakit mo pipilitin?” Harsh. Haha. I should know. And since Ken had Econ, and I knew I needed to tell him some things like Cookie Monster being bought and all that, I waited for him. But that time, Prosties decided to buy a gift for Anna. I decided to join them. Bumabawi talaga ako. I mean, I’m really trying. It somehow seemed like sinamahan ko sila kasi wala akong magawa, but no. I mean, I had the option to wait na lang sa Tambayan, but I chose to go with them, because I wanted to. HEHE. After 4pm, Ken and I met sa ToysRUs, I showed him what saddened me, huhu. And we ate DQ. I feel fat now.

 

August 30. I’m not even sure. Haha. Uhhhh.. Histo 4 was discussion. PolSci exam. AY OO. Omg, my hand hurt after the exam, and so I am proud of myself for actually forcing my brain to release pulps of information, yay! Had lunch at Pizza Hut… I think. With Echo. Hehe. Bought gifts for Anna, hehe. Like the Charmander and the Pichu. Haha. Uh.. Ken had to buy a few things and I had to go back to CAS for shooting so it went like that. By 4, I think, I texted Ken asking if he was done, and if I should still go back to Rob. Hehe. And so I did, and we availed Tea Tattle’s promo for Yam-y stuff. Omg, okay. And we went back to school, no Anthro, happy us. Stayed at Tambayan for like until 6:20, walked to Manila Pavilion, and… tada. Anna’s birthday! It was a nice simple party. I’m happy Anna’s a “real” lady now. Hihi. We had a lot of laughs, though I think I forgot what some were about. Oysters. Serious faces. My dress being baliktad kasi ang tanga ko. My new friend. Ken and I eating a lot of things and I mean a looot. Photos, more photos. Si Chip. Haha. Okay.. then headquarters. The place that I missed so much.  For some reason I would like to thank Ken for letting me. He changed that habit of mine. Hehe, yes. But that night, he let me. We sang a few songs.. yah like Maybe. Ano ba. Haha, nakakaloka. And I had only one baby. So after that, like 12am, I think, we went home. While walking, Ken and I talked about a few things. A few things I think I’m beginning to fail at remembering. All I know is that… I love him. And that’s it. That’s it for now.

 

August 31. Went to school, met Ken, watched the film our prof in Anthro required us to see. It was cute. Wehehe. And went home. We walked home. I missed that. Because ever since that Thursday, 3 weeks ago, I felt like we’d never do it again. And though I feel like it was a bit “manipulated” or like forced, I still appreciate it. I really do. Because I like walking home. With or without him. But I prefer the with him part. I really do. Slept. Got ready. Went to the Antonio’s. Birthday yay. Went home~

 

September 1. I think I stayed home. Died. And huhu, that’s all.

 

September 2. PE morning. Vomit-free! Thanks to seeing you, love. Lovenat nga lang. Haha. Had fun at PE even if my body hurts until now OMG. Habang nage-aero, You Belong With Me played and I sweaaar, it was so funny. Naganahan ako. Bigay todo sa aero. AYAN SAKIT SA KATAWAN. CHARAT KASE. Went back to CAS.. hehe. Ken taught me this knock knock joke that I swear I will remember forever.. especially for the mean time that I am in love with him. Nakasalubong si Gela, and she told me there was no Math. And I believed her, so I just ate. Haha, with Ken. And the binagoongan. Hihi. Then AS 101, Ma’am made us watch China clips. Haha. The best yung kumanta ako ng “How Could You Say You Love Me,” tas bumanat si Ennaughx. Boom. Haha, pocky! Hehe. Then Lib, sobrang sipag ko pls. Haha, waited for Ken and we went homeee. Studied!!!! Haha.

 

September 3. TODAY. OMG. I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I WOKE UP EARLY TO READ MY NOTES. I AM SO PROUD. Then I ate breakfast, went to school in a “maporma” way since we had to shoot today. Reviewed for a while with Choco ( I realized iba iba pangalan ni Je dito ) and Clarkkkk. Then went up, took the exam. ITO NA. MASAYA AKO KASI ANG DAMING PART NA DIRE-DIRECHO SAGOT KO. KASI ALAM KONG SIGURADO AKO SA SAGOT KO, AT NABASA KO O NAPAGARALAN KO. I mean, I’m not expecting a perfect score, pero I’m just proud that I actually read, understood and got to answer the exam like that. Hehe! Sobrang nakakatuwa. PolSci was okayyy. Yah, normal. Hehe. Lunch at Jabi with Ken and Echo. AY OMG SIR ONG PALA. Haha. Went to the dept, and told him about the OSA thing. Hehe. So he advised and all and said, “O gawin mo na yan. Wag mo na patagalin. Di tulad ng gnagawa mo ngayon. Patagal ng patagal.” Okay pa, sige. E nung tapos na kami, palabas na kami ni Ken, (nagtagalog nako) palabas rin sila ni Maam. BOOM COMBO.

Sir Ong: Kayo na ba?

Ken: Sir, di pa eh.

Sir Ong: Tagal naman. Isang taon mo na nililigawan ah (nakatingin sakin)

Maam Jose: Baka naman pakipot ka Ysel.

Ako: Ako nga ba Maam?

Sobrang funny. Sobrang combo. Haha. Yun, then lunch nga. Hehe, talked about the play.. and stuff. Like, how “Di ako pwede magquit kasi wala pang kapalit.” Haaha. And the Nandito Ako thing. He was just… ewan ko. I was just really happy. Because of him. Went back to CAS for shoot. I had to wear a skirt, hehe. First time. Ayun. After the shoot, may game sila so naiwan kami ni Ken, and we practiced my lines and it was so funny because it was so ironic. My role was like his part. REALLY. LITERALLY. Haha, but there are just things that you know you have to let go but just can’t. Because you love them too much. Okay huhu.  But we were just there, and each other’s company was.. well already enough. For me at least. Hehe. Anthro was fine. Hehe, yie pinuna yung skirt ko, sabi ni ken kinaganda ko raw to. Hehe.. Ayun. Went home. And realized that the way you taste food depends on how you feel. I felt happy, so I ate the torta, even when I though I never liked it. Hehe. Ayun.

I’m just happy.

Really.

I feel like I skipped a few parts.. I’m sorry.

Point is, I’m happy. And I hope tomorrow will be, too. 🙂 

Me: Knock knock

Person: Who’s there?

Me: Ken.

Person: Ken who?

Me: Tanong mo sa akin, kung sino aking mahal. 

 

❤ Hehe, omg. Good vibes tonight! Ket tamad tamad pa meh~