Monthly Archives: August 2013

I remember one Friday, we were looking at toys, and someone messaged him, and I became conscious, and a bit sad, down.

He asked me what the problem was, I told him nothing. I insisted. 

He asked me if it was because of someone, I said yes.

That was when he asked me, “Hindi ka ba masaya na kasama mo ‘ko?”

And so I thought, he was right. I was lucky enough to be with him.

But then.. I think it’s just sad that after all the happy things, we still look for buts. Or find them, at least. 

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12 Movies That Will Make You Feel Really Freaking Sad

Thought Catalog

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Are we masochistic, subjecting ourselves to the depressing, soul-crushing dramas? Why do we feel compelled to do it? I think it’s because we want to remember compassion and remind ourselves of empathy. That’s just me, though.

1. Grave of the Fireflies

Grave of the Fireflies is an animated Japanese drama that depicts the life of two siblings that have survived the firebombing of Kobe. The story is recounted through spirit of Seita, a 14-year-old boy who has to take care of his younger sister after their mother dies from the air raid.

Level of onions: I need to leave the room. Give me an hour.

2. Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father

From Wikipedia:

Kuenne’s close friend Andrew Bagby was murdered by Shirley Jane Turner after Bagby ended their tumultuous relationship. Shortly after she was arrested, she announced…

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On distance, on me.

I read an article from Though Catalog, about distance. And I read this, and my insides wanted to burst out.

I wanted a reason to hate him. An excuse to not think about him and stop loving him. It didn’t come. It won’t come. The feelings I have are stronger than anything I’ve felt before. Even though breaking up with me should be reason enough for my anger, I can’t hate him for doing something I could tell he didn’t even really want to do. I can’t hate him for doing what he thinks is right. And maybe this is what true love is, letting him go so that he will realize he needs to come back. My friends tell me that if we’re meant to be together, the time apart won’t change that and we will find a way back to each other.

 

I have no ending words of wisdom. I can’t tell you that I’m stronger now, or that I will be ok. I can’t tell you that it gets better because right now it just seems to get worse. My happiness still rests on his shoulders. The only thing that his holding me together right now is the thought that maybe in four months when he will realize that he can’t live without me and we’ll get back together. He told me to be positive and that’s what I’m doing, albeit not in the way he wanted me to be positive.

 

(…) But hope is the last one to die, and that’s all I can hold on to for now, because if I let go of that too, then I might finally collapse.

We both don’t want to go, believe me. 

My friends, if you read this, you may reason out that everything I do for him isn’t worth it. I know that, but I choose to believe that they are. You may not see it in his eyes, but it’s in both of us – the sense that neither of us wants to leave. But we just have to. Sometimes we have to let go. And I don’t know if I should now.

 

Cutting my hair is such a big issue now, believe me. 

When I attended the GS Training, we were told to put a bit of make up on to look presentable so that the candidates would feel comfortable. I did not get what I just said. Yah but you get the point. So yesterday, when I left the house, I put makeup. I fixed my hair. Yah, I looked good. 

Funny, kasi nung nagkita-kita kami, pinuna nila. As if naman kahapon lang nila ako nakitang nakamake-up. 

Jolo: O, nakamakeup ka?

JPacs: Nagmo-move on ka na? 

Haha, agad agad? Charat. Sobrang funny. 

At ayun. Napagusapan yung buhok ko. Pagupit na daw ako. Kasi nasa stairs kami. 

Ate Jojo: O, nakamake up ka?

JPacs: Nagmomove on na sya. *kahitwalaakongsinabiplease*

Ate Jojo: Diba da’t nagpapagupit?

Ate Tobit: YSEL! PAGUPIT KA NA.

Ako: Ayoko. *Yah and I do have my reasons #MacarioSakay

Ate Tobit: Please, magpagupit ka na. Please. 

I know what they mean. I really do. 

Pati yung length ng buhok na ipapagupit ko, may meaning din. 

And the bracelet. 

Pinuna ng Daddy kanina. Funny, kase pinapatanggal na nya.

And the homily, nung mass kahapon, di ko naman idedeny na tinamaan ako. There were a lot of reasons not to leave the house kahapon, the rain was hard. Kasama pa namin si Eli. But God made a way, for me to hear what He had to say. 

And now I tend to overthink. A lot. Magtext lang ng walang smiley, malaking bagay na sakin. But then, yah. Isusurvey ko nalang muna yung baha.

Normally, I’d write this on Tumblr. But for some odd reason, it wouldn’t publish. 

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel bad sometimes. It’s okay to believe that nothing will ever go your way. It’s okay to feel like you’re never going to trust anyone again. It’s okay to never believe people’s promises anymore?

But then, with all your negations to what there is, will you ever forget how much you loved him? What I said probably doesn’t make sense. But that’s what my life is exactly right now, nonsense. I couldn’t find the right words anymore. I couldn’t find the tune, the notes, the chords. 

Who would believe that everything would just fall apart like that? When you least expected it to. When you expect that he’d apologize because he didn’t mean to do that. He didn’t know you felt that way. But then, it just happens. You get to know the truth. That it was meant to happen. That it was his plan. 

And your heart shatters into pieces. 

And you try to control your tears but you couldn’t. 

Because you always believed that he’d never leave you. That he’d never go away.

Then you will fear to trust. You will be afraid of believing promises. 

You will give up on yourself. Then remember that he also did. That he gave up on you. hat of all people, you thought he never will. 

It wouldn’t be a problem anyway if he learned. If he taught himself. 

Let me, for once, blame him. 

And now I’m done. 

It’s like, nothing will ever be okay anymore. 

Maybe you’ll forget how happiness feels like. 

Maybe he did this for you.

But that, you will never understand.

Because you know deep inside you that you never want to lose him. 

That it’s still him you want to spend everyday with. 

That it’s him you still want to rant to, the one you want to hold on to. 

the one you’d trust your whole life with. 

Trust, not spend. 

One day, you’re going to accept the fact that .. well you know.

But not now. 

Not now. 

And it’s okay. 

Cry your heart out, my dear.

Cry your heart out. 

Ask him to be with you as you cry. Not so you can blame him. But just because you trust him. You believe that he never will give up on you.

Ask him to ask you for space. 

Say you’d be willing to give space. 

Just so he won’t leave you. 

The way he already is. 

You’re not worth the fight, but I choose to think that you are. 

My seas are not calm enough.

Sobrang halohalong emotions, pare. Di ko na kaya. Gusto ko nalang umiyak.  It’s just a long day. Sobrang feeling ko nakumpleto ko lahat ng feelings na pwede kong mafeel. Ano ba ‘to. Please, ano ba ‘to. Ayoko na. Joke. 

Kaninang umaga, tamad na tamad ako. Seryoso. Tipong gusto kong matulog. Diba sabi ko nga sa tweets ko, “I actually plan to play dead” seryoso yun. Just lie down, sleep, procrastinate, wonder why life is like this. Ganon. Tas nagtext si Mama, magmo-MoA daw, kahit ayoko, gora lang. At mabuti gumora. 

Mga 3 ata, umalis na kami. Ako may errands na mga ginawa. So mej nag-ikot na ‘ko ganon. May hinanap akong pabango sa depstore. Di ko naman nakita. Huhu. Tas binalikan ko sina Mami. kumain ng donut. Tas errands again~ 

Then National. Ako lang yun. Nag-enjoy ako seryoso. Ang dami ko ngang nabasa eh. Na funny, or tagos, or sakto, lahat. Nakakasakit. Funny nga eh. Kase.. basta. Naumay ako. And it rained. 

Tas mej napaikot kase di ko makita sina Mama. Mga 5 30 something na yun. Eh mej onti palang tao na nagaabang kay Kobe Bryant, so naki-abang na rin ako. Tas matagal na hintayan. Tas nakita ko sya. Huhu, natutuwa ako masyado. Hehe. 

Tas nagdinner kaming family. MannHann. Na masaya ako talaga kase ngayon na nga lang ulit kami nakalabas  ng kumpleto kami. Nakagala. Ganon. Tas nagJamba Juice. Binilhan ako ng Daddy ng damit. Huhu, not sure when to wear it. Kase ang funny nung nakalagay. 

Tas umuwi.

Nairita ako kase.. ano ba naman yung hihingi ka ng onting oras na makausap. Ewan ko. Oo, ang arte. Pero nakakainis kase. Gets ko sana kung wala nang gagawin e. E alam kong meron. And the fact na naalala ko pa rin yung other day na sobrang up to now nasasaktan ako pag naalala ko kase narinig ko pa yung You Didn’t Tell Me kanina. Diba. Alam kong tama yung vibes ko. Tas may bumulong pa sa tenga ko, “If he doesn’t make you feel beautiful and good about yourself, then it’s not worth staying.”  Nainis talaga ako. Seryoso. I felt like “ayoko makipag usap sayo kaya good night na” Sorry ang arte neto. And this might not be it, pero this is what it looks like. Sorry sa kausap mong iba diba? Sorry.

Tapos, a few minutes habang nagre-rage ako sa inis at habang naiiyak ako kase nakakainis naman talaga, may lumabas na tweets about Sir Aragon. Wala na raw sya. Di ko pa sya nagiging prof, but I knew him. I knew him dahil  nung Bonifacio@150, speaker sya at mej kami yung assistant nya. Pinagalitan nya ko ng very light pero alam kong di ako nainis sakanya. Kasi isa sya dun sa mga taong unang tingin mo palang, alam mong worth to be in your life na. 

11:30 na. And may class ako bukas. Hanggang 7. At bukas ang alis ng international. And naaalala kong nagkausap kami ni Jek at nabanggit na magkikita dapat kami ngayon. But no. Ang sakit. Nalulungkot ako dahil dun.

Halo-halong emotions, please. Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong tumawa. Gusto kong ilubog yung mukha ko sa unan kase alam kong babaha. Please. Yung kaluluwa ko, hindi kalmado. 

Something’s wrong. 

And here I go again with the “I’m worthless” feeling. Ang naiisip ko nanaman, wala nakong ibubuga. Gusto ko nanaman magsulat or gumawa ng note/letter. Eto nanaman ako. Ano ba. Tama na. 

Goodnight.

Well it’s not a good night.

But I have to sleep. Naiiyak nako sa sama ng loob. 

And I remember a few lines from the books I read.

“It’s not working out kase one loves too much, and the other one loves too many.”

Lastly, “Too attached to let go, too hurt to stay.” 

And when that day comes,

I want you to know that you meant, and probably still mean the world to me. 

It breaks my heart that she questioned my feelings for you. But I choose not to tell you. Because I’m not in a competition. Maybe she thought namalikmata lang ako. 

But no, believe me. I will have only chosen to let this go when we’ve gone too far. When we both can’t smile at our own happiness anymore.

But I hope that doesn’t happen.

Because the thought of letting you go shoves the fear to my veins.

Dati, sobrang kinikilig pa ‘ko nun. Hanggang sa kumanta kayo nung AreaStudyAkan. Nung kumakanta ka, tas natugtog sya, tas nagkakatinginan kayo. Kaso nakita ko na kase kung ano yung tunay na nangyayari. Nawala yung fire nung kilig ko. Kase alam kong may nasasaktan. Pareho.

– PGA. 😦