June 29, 2013

No “Good morning’s”, no “Goodnight’s”, not even a single “Hello.”

This is how today went.

I didn’t want to.

Mother dear asked me to go with them today (QC) since it was Kuya who was with them yesterday. I didn’t want to. Because I wanted to sleep. Which I could be doing now, but no. But then she told me we’d eat at Jollibee, and I remembered that beside Jollibee was McDonald’s, and I was desperate in getting even just one minion. So I asked her if she could buy me a minion, and she said yes, so yeah, I did go with them.

Car Ride. 80’s.

It was today that I was able to ride Kokoy (our dear car) again to go somewhere far. I missed being in the car, feeling goosebumps rise out of my skin as the cold air touches my senses. I miss sleeping at the back, since it was “my” place. Unless anyone else had to ride the car to have someone else sit with me at the back, it’s mine. Music was of course Dad’s call. He has this CD full of 80s songs, his favorite ones. Nirvana, and all that.

The rain started to fall, and it wasn’t that nice. I think we talked about a few things. I just forgot what about. Dad told me pala, “Oh, may sarili ka nanamang mundo jan sa likod,” as he thought I had earphones plunged into my ears. Eh wala. Jej.

Jollibee

Dad brought us to Jollibee, then left. The rain wasn’t that hard, yet. We went inside, ordered fries since that was what Mom and Eli were there for. We talked about a few things. And huhu, here I go again, forgetting.

A few minutes later, Eli was getting cranky since he wanted to eat rice. I told Ma to wait for me since I decided to buy the minion already.

Minion.

Stuart. Yep, I walked to Mcdo, even with the rain falling lightly, because I was that desperate. And I realized that there are a few situations when being desperate isn’t that bad. It’s human nature, thank you. People are always desperate for something. Even for just once in their life, and that’s true. Being desperate, you look stupid, yes. But it’s because you want something. And you look for ways to get that.

Back to Stuart, I went inside Mcdo, straight to the counter, first question was, “May minions pa?” The lady at the counter brought out all that were still available that time. I saw this one-eyes minion, and I was choosing between that, or the purple one that looked like the trolly (I’m not sure with the name, but I think we all know what I’m talking about). I told myself I’d get the evil minions soon, but not now. So I took the yellow one, which happens to light up when you press its whatever at the back, and the little guy’s name was Stuart.

I loved it. I loved him. Stuart. Yes, I did. Because I knew I waited for this. I’ve always wanted to have my own minion from those Happy Meals. It was an indescribable feeling. Getting something you’ve waited to have. It meant never losing hope. It meant trying harder. It meant going far, just to get that certain thing. That Mcdonalds was in Quezon City. I live in Manila. Tamang far lang. Still far. And I knew that I wanted the minion. I did. So when it was already in my hands, I couldn’t contain the happiness I felt. I was really, really happy. Up to now, I really am happy.

Ganon pala yung feeling pag nakuha mo yung hinintay mo. 

Lord’s Flock

We were done. I just remember when Mom told me that some Chinese guy kept looking at me. And we were imagining life if I had a foreigner for a husband, which I cannot take and I am so sorry for being such a pessimist about this. She didn’t want it anyway either. So it’s kinda okay to not like the idea.

So yes, we waited for a taxi, under one umbrella which she made me hold, knowing that she’s taller than I am. I was singing “Out of Reach” by Gabrielle which happens to be a song that kills me to the insides, and her favorite song.

We got to Lord’s Flock, and stayed there until Dad’s meetings were over. Shoti was there, and we told a few stories. And oh, I miss being in church. I miss my churchfriends. I miss the community. I miss singing my heart out to God. I miss the feeling of wanting to break down and it’s okay because it was Him I keep on breaking down to. Give me the time to spend leisurely, and I will really go to church.

Mom’s fear, which I am so embarrassed to not know

I forgot what we were talking about. But I remember Shoti asking me if I was afraid to die. And I told him, No, I wasn’t. Or maybe I just wasn’t sure. And Mom gave him an answer, too. She was afraid of death. She is. She’s afraid of death. The idea of death makes her sad. She asked me, “Talaga? Tanggap mo na yung fact na lahat tayo mamamatay?” I thought to myself, I die everyday. Charot. But I was serious, I’ve accepted that fact for quite a long time now. I asked her why she was afraid, and she told me, “Kase, kayo. Hindi ko na kayo makakasama, diba?” It was a touching answer. It was something I didn’t see coming, even if it was a bit cliche. She couldn’t imagine life without us, wow. Then Shoti had his follow-up question. “Naniniwala ka ba na pag namatay ka, tapos na yung mission mo sa mundo?”  I answered him, paminsan. Still not sure. I don’t know. But I think it was a nice thing to talk about. Fears. Death. All that you can’t judge and get out of in time.

Car Ride. Rain.

Dad’s meeting was over, so we left. We planned to eat dinner at Rub, since they wanted to treat me to somewhere special tonight. We stopped over somewhere for Dad to get something. And Mom was looking at Eli play a game on racing, “Oh, bakit pumapayag kang lagi kang nasa huli?” For some I-don’t-even-know-why reason, I felt as if she had a deeper meaning to that.

Everything You Want – Vertical Horizon

Car radio was on. And Magic 89.9 played Everything You Want. It was my favorite song, since I was in Elementary, and I’m serious. And I think it’s a sad song. It had to go perfectly with the hard, loud rain, and it was okay. Mom and Dad were talking about something serious, when suddenly, Mom uttered out, “The natural tendency of human beings is to be recognized, to be needed. When you do something, you want to be appreciated for it.” And I knew, that time, there was no way to disprove her. She was right. It’s a desire for us to be appreciated, to be needed. To feel like someone needs us. It’s the sad truth, and all we have to do is accept that in everyone, there at least 10% of selfishness shown.

Dinner.

We ate at Rub, which I admit, has the best ribs in town. Has the best icedtea. Best Mashed potato. Everything. The food was amazing, seriously. I missed Kuya, though. I really did. It was a fun dinner. I remember taking photos/selfies, which were really funny because I have a big face.

Wake.

Dad has this friend/APB brother, whose mother-in-law died. So we went to the wake. I don’t know the name, but it’s so pretty, and I mean it. The place was something to keep you looking forward, whoever the dead was. Really. Mom and I then talked about a few UP Manila stories. And her battery. And Eli having to still wear diapers. </3 And no matter how weird and brutal it is, we talked about my death. What if I died first? She told me to write my requests down so she’d know, just in case. Then it rained hard, but we had to go home. Jej.

Nirvana.

On the radio. Smells Like Teen Spirit. For some reason, I remembered Karl. Teka, patawa lang. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Sya kasi nagpauso na tawaging Teen Spirit yung amoy-canal minsan sa tambayan. It was really funny. Then he ejected the CD.

Hard Rain. Strong feels. 

As we went along Espanya, the skies cried harder. And the songs became sadder. The world became this big ball of sad feelings. And I was at the center. Or maybe I just felt like being at the center. And I remember Mom asking Dad, “Bakit pag naulan, tas nabasa ka, tas nagkasakit ka, sinisisi ang ulan?”

And Dad answered,

It’s not the rain. It’s being exposed to the cold. Pero kung malakas ang katawan mo, hindi ka tatamaan.

It meant a lot to me. That line, I swear. And I don’t know why. It’s just one of those simple lines that strikes you and makes your soul leave your body, then it starts wandering around, searching for answers to questions that were never even asked.

Conclusion.

Why TH did I call this conclusion? Well, I am happy. Oh yes, I think so. It was just funny when you know that people are talking about you. I know the feeling, yes I do. I get the vibes, and I can assure myself I’m right. Dear you, you can always tell the world that I am wrong, that it wasn’t me you were speaking of. But I know that you know deep down your cold broken heart, I am right. And PS, maputi ka lang. Kaya sana masaya ka sa panlalait mo. Kaganda mo kasi eh. Hindi ko na sinasabing makonsensya ka, eh kung masaya ka sa pagchichismis sakin e, then that’s okay. I just hope you that one day, you stop pretending to be this goodie-good girl who looks innocent in front of the world, because you’re not. Ang arte mo. At kinaganda mo naman yata yan. Okay ka na? 😉 Hug kita, dali. ♥

Seriously.

Today was nice. The hard rain was perfect. It balanced the black and white parts. My emotions were stable. They were balanced. And even if I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. Because I’m too sleepy to even overthink. Nightyyyy.

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