I can’t help but write this down. My head hurts, and I’ve been trying to sleep agaaaaaaaaaaain, agaaaain, agaaaain. But no, I can’t anymore.
I went to bed at around 12 last night. And since *like I said* I was tired, I expected myself to fall asleep in 5-10 minutes. But no. My head went all, “Okaay. I don’t want to sleep.” I can’t sleep. I can’t explain how baduy I was, but I even tried to listen to Papa Jack. I tried playing games on my phone.
^There’s actually an explanation to that. When I’m in front of a screen, I feel sleepy. My eyes get irritated so I just want to sleep. It’s not like I still want to stay up at 1am or something. When my phone stares directly at me at night, believe me, I’m just trying to make myself feel sleepy.
Anyway, yes. I did that. Read a few articles. Backread a few messages. Checked my memos. Listened to songs. Turned it back to radio-on. Still didn’t work.
By 3, I found out one of my friends are still awake. So I put on chat, and we talked. Talked about insomnia and how it usually defines what we really feel. How my friend feels the feeling of “inaantok.” He told stories that I honestly anticipated because it’s been a long time since we last saw each other. He showed photos that had quotes/statements in them. And those words, they cut deep into the insides of the skin. Bruises.
There were times that we both felt light despite all the heaviness that the late night/early morning brought. His presence was my comfort.
And honestly, I feel good about it our talk. I read it again when I woke up. And I found it funny how people really do change and get all mushy and involuntarily sad during late nights. But it was okay.
There was something about late night realizations and late-night-depression that I thought of. Nothing good ever happens after 2am. We feel all mushy and fragile and sensitive and just overthink about things we’re not supposed to think of during late, late, LATE nights
because it’s the only time we have to think about all the sad things. We can’t do it with the sky-lights on because that will be awful. And everyone’s awake at daytime. We have our family to have fun with, our friends to talk to, movies and TV shows. And we feel weird listening to sad songs with the sun up and shining.
But when all these are gone, when everyone’s fast asleep, maybe we feel alone. Maybe it’s the reason why we overthink. We can cry without no one hearing and asking us why. And it’s only this time of night when we feel like doing it because we’re alone. There’s no one to listen to. No one to impress. No one to tell stories to. Just ourselves. All the sadness clogged up, we can release them. And we can just imaginably embrace ourselves for feeling bad, but then tell ourselves that it’s okay to feel bad. Maybe it’s healthy, even. *Except for the late-natutulog part* We get to tell ourselves that it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to feel bad because of something that we don’t like, or something that we expected but never happened, or something we don’t know – and not knowing makes it look bad.
We just like to cuddle our pillows because it’s the only thing we can cuddle. The urge to cry isn’t a want anymore. It becomes a need. A necessity. That is, if we want to make ourselves feel a bit lighter than yesterday.
And come on, it’s not as if we wait until 2am to cry. (Sometimes, we probably do). But not always. Sometimes, the world just wants to mess up with you and your urge to sleep. Maybe the world knows you, and knows that there’s something inside you that needs to come out. There’s a part of your skin that got too heavy that it has to fall off. The tears your holding back, they just need to come out. You need to release them.
And that’s what overthinking is good at. Making you feel like letting go of the fears, sadness, negative emotions clogged up in your mind, body and soul.
And let’s admit it. There’s a part of us that wants to appreciate overthinking when we wake up. We usually feel lighter. And I said usually. Because there are times when we’re already done crying, but the pain stays. And that’s okay. It’s either we help ourselves, or just get used to it. And I think most of us just learn to get used to it.
Time for breakfast. Time for a break.
And you, all of you, take a break. Catch up with your friends. I’m meeting some friends later and just thinking about it already makes me all kinikilig inside. I hope you’ll have some time to just do something you like, too.