Monthly Archives: May 2013

Earlier today, while I was with friends, I don’t remember how we came up with the topic. All I know is that this thought began when we talked about Beautiful Goodbye. 

What if two people had the mutual feelings of saying goodbye? Would that be easier? Or harder? Knowing that you still love the person, but it’s kinda like time to go. And you both know that. And you’re both willing. 

Just the thought of it breaks my heart and builds me up at the same time.

Thank you. Haha.

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18th.

There’s already a song for the last one.

But the thing is, that person is just probably so special that I’m taking the time to scan lots of choices and look for better songs. 

They don’t really have to “fit.” They just need to be felt. 

Staybymyside.

Uncertainties

Why do we feel the way we do when we wake up? 

I remember some days that I woke up mad. Full of questions of why aauydjaksdjad things happen to happy people. Why the world can’t hand us the things we want. Why the people we choose don’t choose us. Why love becomes so hard when it’s supposed to make the world go round. 

There are days I’d wake up happy. Happy to be free. Happy to have parents who strive hard for us, and two brothers who are just naughty but so lovable. Happy to have friends who are willing to break silences I couldn’t break. Happy to have a pet turtle who understands all my sentiments. Happy, just that. No fears, no insecurities. Ready for the day. 

This morning was different, though. I woke up feeling sad. I knew the reasons. But the reasons didn’t know me. My reasons didn’t slap me in the face. I don’t get it. Haha. I mean, I woke up sad. just sad. Plain sad. But since I don’t know why I was sad, I thought of reasons. And I knew that my reasons were valid. Yes, they were. Why do happy people have to feel so sad? And no, it’s not the validity of my reasons that matter. Just the reasons. Why are they “reasons?” Why do we need reasons? Why are you my reason? 

Sometimes, I wish we could go back to that time when everything was okay. And you didn’t feel the way you do now. And you understood why I act like this. 

People are people and sometimes we change our minds.

 

Tumitigas

Naalala ko yung usapan namin ng kaibigan ko kanina.

“Dati, pag ganun, una palang naiiyak na ko. Kagabi di ko alam kung nagmamatigas lang ako o kung tumitigas na ko kaya di ako naiiyak.”

May nagsabi, “Nasanay ka na kasi. Lagi ba namang ganun.”

Hulaan nalang natin who is who.

Thing is, naninigas din tayo. Sa sobrang pagod, minsan wala na lang talaga tayong mararamdaman. We become too tired. Lalo na pag yung kinapapaguran ng damdamin naten, eh wala lang sakanya.
That’s life. And we’re probably not sure if it’s a good thing.

Sleep. Songs.

Sometimes, I don’t like thinking about sleep. I know, sleep is comfort We wait for one whole day to be over so we can sleep. When we’re in deep pain, we believe that after we sleep, it’s all going to be okay somehow. But maybe it won’t. 

In short, niloko ko lang yung sarili ko. Or maybe it’s not because of sleep. Is it the time? During dead hours, that’s when we find the words to say. Whether they be right or wrong, they’re still words that describe what we feel. And I realized that sometimes, they’re not even words. Rumbled letters, scattered feelings. akhdajsdiahsdkasoias. See, it helps. Whatever key on the keyboard our fingers tend to press, they express emotions. Emotions we cannot describe. And then I think this is far from what I’m supposed to be writing about. I don’t know. Sometimes I love sleep, sometimes I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m fooling myself. I ALREADY AM. Could it be worse? 

When you feel lost, broken and in pain, do you believe that sleeping is okay? When you wake up, it’s all the same. It’s all the saaaaaaaaaaaame. The pain is still there. It will never go away. And that’s what hurts. It’s always going to be there. No matter how many times you say you’re okay or you’ve moved on, remembering a tinge of happy memory brings back the pain and regret of what might have been, what could’ve been, had you not given up. 

And sometimes, sleep brings us to decisions we never thought we’d make. Either to stay, or let go. Did you ever think of letting go? You probably did if you love yourself and if you believed that it’s the right thing to do. Annnd of course, to compliment for that, you probably didn’t if you think that you can still hold on to something that’s either never there, or that’s not there anymore. 

“Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?”  Maybe. Maybe these roses are representations of pain. Of pain that you know when it’s just too much, you’ll voluntarily let go of the roses. 

My friend told me, “Hindi masaya ang sinasaktan ang sarili.” I do not know how stupid I am to answer that with, “Oo, hindi nga YATA.” I was unsure. YATA. Nakaka. ahjsdaskdjas. 

Another thing that hurts is that at the end of the day, before you sleeeep, you know what’s the right thing to do next, but when you wake up from that sad “comforting” sleep, you’re not going to do it. The next day will be like the past day. You say no before you sleep, you say “not yet” when you wake up. Sometimes, we just need to say NO. Not, “not yet.”

Until when is “not yet?” Tell meeeeeee. I also need to know. 

I’m sure, I will sleep with pain tonight. And you, reading this, would probably do the same. But tomorrow, when you wake up, you will still hold on to that one thing you’re trying to let go of. Because that’s what – I do not know what to say. I can’t say that’s life, because life should be happy. Or not. 

We are unsure of everything. We are not sure if we’re okay. We’re not sure if we want to sleep. And yes, maybe we do, physically. But do our minds want to sleep? Do our hearts need to rest?

Everytime our hearts rest, they get the energy exhausted back. And that’s what makes us fall back to where we’re trying to get away from. And that’s just sad. 

It’s hard. Everything’s hard. Sleeping is hard. But maybe, waking up is harder. Yes. 

Maybe it isn’t about totally forgetting. Just, trying. To be better.

This is purely practical.

You don’t have the energy to feel this way anymore. It hurts and it’s a waste of time. You need that time to do other things. You need to finish your finals or work on your novel, and you can’t do those things when you’re hurting, not really. You can’t really do anything when you’re hurting, except maybe eat things from jars by the spoonful and lie in bed all day and sigh.

Before you do anything, you need to stop thinking that if you just project enough energy out into the universe, you can change the facts.

These are the facts:

You want him, and

He does not want you.

So you’re going to have to forget him sooner or later.

Unless you’re one of those types that believes in things like destiny and magical thinking, in which case none of this will be helpful.

But if you want to help yourself forget him, here are some ways to try:

First, stop finding excuses to see him. Stop thinking of times of day in terms of where he might be and what he might be doing there and stop putting yourself in his path accidentally on purpose. This will be hard because you’ll have to restructure the way you perceive your days, but changes in perception are good. It helps to keep in mind that it makes no difference to him where you are and what you’re doing there either.

Also, don’t think of his name as His Name. Train your heart to not freak out and start crazily leaking blood when it pops up on your phone, when you say it, write it, think his name at all. Extract its significance from your limbic system. Repeat it over and over until the sounds don’t make sense anymore and you feel blissfully nothing.

Stop reminding yourself how much you want him. Not that this is the magic cure, it’s that things are only as real as the intensity of the thought you invest in them. De-intensify the thought. This is how you make things less real.

You have to start thinking he’s average. Average people aren’t disarming. No one says, you give me heartstop because you’re so delightfully average. If you’re going to forget him, you have to forget all the ways she’s different. Blank out everything that makes him “Him,” and then you might start to feel better.

Or, alternately, tell him how you feel in great luminous detail and let him reject you head on. Replay the rejection in your head later if you start to feel hopeful. Nothing quite puts you off something like overexposure.

The two prime movers in the Universe are Time and Luck.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

– Mila Jaroniec/ thoughtcatalog

*originally Her, but for formality, and for feels. 

Listen to these songs. Nowyouknow.

You’re Not Sorry – Taylor Swift

Just A Feeling – Maroon 5

Gravity – Sara Bareilles 

Easy – Ne-yo

Guillotine – Urbandub

Hay Naku – Silent Sanctuary

I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt

I’m Sorry – The Maine

You Didn’t Tell Me – Lawson

The Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore – James Morrison

Speechless – Lady Gaga

Breathe – Taylor Swift

By Now – Marianas Trench

Masaya – Bamboo

Thanks for Nothing – The Downtown Fiction

Let me be like this for tonight. My head just hurts. And sad songs keep on playing. And I just want to sleep. Goodnight, heavy world. Why.

Don’t look at him so closely. Madami kang mamimiss. 🙂 Andito lang kami Mung. And ano lamang namin sa kanya? Mahal ka namin. 🙂 Mahal ka din nya siguro. Pero mas mahal ka namin. 🙂

If you have (a) friend/s who say this to you, you’re really lucky.

I know I am. 🙂