Sometimes, I don’t like thinking about sleep. I know, sleep is comfort We wait for one whole day to be over so we can sleep. When we’re in deep pain, we believe that after we sleep, it’s all going to be okay somehow. But maybe it won’t.
In short, niloko ko lang yung sarili ko. Or maybe it’s not because of sleep. Is it the time? During dead hours, that’s when we find the words to say. Whether they be right or wrong, they’re still words that describe what we feel. And I realized that sometimes, they’re not even words. Rumbled letters, scattered feelings. akhdajsdiahsdkasoias. See, it helps. Whatever key on the keyboard our fingers tend to press, they express emotions. Emotions we cannot describe. And then I think this is far from what I’m supposed to be writing about. I don’t know. Sometimes I love sleep, sometimes I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m fooling myself. I ALREADY AM. Could it be worse?
When you feel lost, broken and in pain, do you believe that sleeping is okay? When you wake up, it’s all the same. It’s all the saaaaaaaaaaaame. The pain is still there. It will never go away. And that’s what hurts. It’s always going to be there. No matter how many times you say you’re okay or you’ve moved on, remembering a tinge of happy memory brings back the pain and regret of what might have been, what could’ve been, had you not given up.
And sometimes, sleep brings us to decisions we never thought we’d make. Either to stay, or let go. Did you ever think of letting go? You probably did if you love yourself and if you believed that it’s the right thing to do. Annnd of course, to compliment for that, you probably didn’t if you think that you can still hold on to something that’s either never there, or that’s not there anymore.
“Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?” Maybe. Maybe these roses are representations of pain. Of pain that you know when it’s just too much, you’ll voluntarily let go of the roses.
My friend told me, “Hindi masaya ang sinasaktan ang sarili.” I do not know how stupid I am to answer that with, “Oo, hindi nga YATA.” I was unsure. YATA. Nakaka. ahjsdaskdjas.
Another thing that hurts is that at the end of the day, before you sleeeep, you know what’s the right thing to do next, but when you wake up from that sad “comforting” sleep, you’re not going to do it. The next day will be like the past day. You say no before you sleep, you say “not yet” when you wake up. Sometimes, we just need to say NO. Not, “not yet.”
Until when is “not yet?” Tell meeeeeee. I also need to know.
I’m sure, I will sleep with pain tonight. And you, reading this, would probably do the same. But tomorrow, when you wake up, you will still hold on to that one thing you’re trying to let go of. Because that’s what – I do not know what to say. I can’t say that’s life, because life should be happy. Or not.
We are unsure of everything. We are not sure if we’re okay. We’re not sure if we want to sleep. And yes, maybe we do, physically. But do our minds want to sleep? Do our hearts need to rest?
Everytime our hearts rest, they get the energy exhausted back. And that’s what makes us fall back to where we’re trying to get away from. And that’s just sad.
It’s hard. Everything’s hard. Sleeping is hard. But maybe, waking up is harder. Yes.